I recently traveled home from a business trip and while on the airport transportation bus....they had christian talk radio playing. I started listening. A woman telling her story with the most beautiful transparency.
She said that her and her husband felt the call to adopt. So they adopted....brothers. The oldest one gave her a hell of a time. Outspoken, mouthy, disobedient, cold. He was a constant challenge, to say the least.
One day she called her husband and sobbed....saying how she thought she made a mistake. She didn't feel love for this boy. She felt exhausted. She felt scared. She felt like she was failing. She had my attention as I flashed back to all of those same gripping and paralyzing feelings. I have always loved Hudson the best I knew...but often felt scared, exhausted and like a failure. I would gladly give him what I give my kids...but he has never wanted it.
Her husband spoke back to her with wisdom only God could provide. He said....you ARE loving him. With agape love. Every time you feed him, hug him, wash his clothes, make sure he is bathed, homework done, thriving. You ARE loving him....and loving him well.
I cried.
People on the bus must have thought I was crazy. But never before had anyone (in 8 years) spoke to my heart with such clarification.
I have been told by multiple sources (including some of my closest loved ones) that I am a horrible stepmom. That I don't care. That I don't do enough. That I am too hard on him and myself. That I expect too much.
I have carried a huge burden for 8 years....that I screwed this up. Royally. And I'm sure in many ways I have.
However, hearing that I loved him through God's agape ways...through providing things for him only a mom can give in the best ways I could....in the ways he'd allow me to. It lifted this heavy, dead, weight that I felt was hanging on my chest for EIGHT YEARS.
Failure...I know I failed. But redemption....in the times that I'd hold and rock him when he cried. When I made foods that he liked in addition to our meal. When I'd read to him at night. When I helped him with his homework. Washing his clothes. Amongst all the other gazillion little things moms do for their kids. The things no one saw or noticed. The things that most moms get payment for through hugs, kisses and love....but a stepmom just pours out continuously without replenishment.
I got to thinking....how many other step moms out there feel the same? Have heard the same? Struggle in the same ways?! And the most beautiful part of this story telling....she had adopted her son and felt these things. Adopted! I always thought that adoption would be easier...but people everywhere are in situations that they cannot control. They have doubts. Fears. Frustrations. Disappointments. Its ok to feel all of those things.
Yet how often is it ok to hear these things come from a stepmom without judgement and criticism?
Motherhood is hard as is. My own kids can drive me crazy....usually on a daily basis. I raised my stepson for the first 5 years of our marriage full time. I have lots of things I wish I did differently. But I cannot afford to harbor regret. Or unforgiveness. Who would that help? So I have kept pressing on.
But that day, on the bus....it changed. Something changed for me and released so much of my pain. And I pray in this release that I'll now be able to be a better stepmom to him.
I truly hope that some day he and I will get to a point in our relationship that its easy. Where we can enjoy each other. I know he most certainly does not enjoy me at this stage in the game. Which I'm ok with...and have accepted. And thanks to this radio show, I have peace in knowing that I can still love him with agape ways even if we don't have a close/communicative relationship.
It is still a challenge to know how much I can step in when he's here....and how much to back off.
How much do I try to do things for him like his own mom does (cooking, food, clothes, rules) or do I implement the lifestyle we have with our kids?
I have a stepmom myself. She's a saint. She's put up with so much crap from our family. We aren't easy. We aren't always gracious either. I love my time with her when we're together....she truly is a gem. Yet its not a natural thing for me to reach out to her on a regular basis like I do my mom. Its no one's fault/doing....its just the nature of our beings.
Knowing this...I try to wait for Hudson's lead. If he approaches me for a hug....I give it. I hold on till he pulls away. But I don't pressure him for hugs anymore....as it often turns out awkward for all. It can't feel natural for him to snuggle me the way my kids do. He has a mom who gives him all those things. Maybe some day he'll want them from me, too.
All this being said...I am thinking of starting a blog. I've felt a calling to write about step parenting for some time now. But never felt like I had anything much to say....worth listening to anyways. But what I think God wants me to do is just encourage. Offer transparency and brokenness....in hopes that it may help someone. Anyone.
So hopefully this entry helped one. Just one.
Someone out there feels defeated, drained and frustrated. That someone heard that even in the midst of all these ugly emotions....there is grace in the agape love they continually give. Bless your sweet heart. You are not alone.
So hopefully this entry helped one. Just one.
Someone out there feels defeated, drained and frustrated. That someone heard that even in the midst of all these ugly emotions....there is grace in the agape love they continually give. Bless your sweet heart. You are not alone.