Giving Thanks

I would love to sleep....but sleep escapes me these days.  My mind twirls and whirls with the countless lists I have going.  Memories.  Hopes & Dreams. You name it.  Its like laying my head on the pillow prompts my mind to visit my next two months schedule, double check homework and school projects, plan meals, grocery lists, map out my business goals for next year, etc.  Oh...and tackle 5 things on my Pinterest boards.

Won't bore you with my list of chores, responsibilities and adventures spread over the next six weeks....but I will simply say that each day feels like a marathon.

I'm

E
X
H
A
U
S
T
E
D

...but in a good way.  A happy way.  A "I see the end in sight" way.

There are still so many unknowns in our journey.  And I'm borderline exhausted in a grumpy, frustrated, self-pitying way.  But a big part of our transition will wrap up soon.  I'm so thankful.  Its been a long 5+ months.  Praying that by the time we hit the new year, life will feel very different than it has this year.

So today (being Tuesday before Thanksgiving) marks the day I got the call from my dad sharing that his labs came back showing lymphoma.  We had no idea that in 33 days we'd (not) say goodbye.  We wouldn't get the chance.  By the time we were called back to see him at the hospital, he was gone.

December was full of doctor appointments, scans, consults, research, worry and despair.

The holiday season didn't feel much like it used to.  It felt scary.  I had a pit in my stomach and a heavy heart all month.

But it was also full of hope.  Of grace.  Of comfort in knowing that no matter what....even if the 'worst' happened (and in our small perspective that consists only of this world, it did)...we would see him again.  Praise be to God.

God carried us through....and continues to still do so.

As I approach this day of giving thanks....I am thankful for so many things.  Mostly....I am thankful for the promise that I get to see my dad again.  And all the other family that we lost in the last year....good grief has my family been hit hard.  So much sadness this year...

Yet every funeral turns into a celebration of family and life.  We gather.  We support.  We comfort.  We pray.

So aside from God's immeasurable gift of salvation and eternity with him (and each other...yay!), I am thankful for family.

My little guy keeps asking to trim a tree.  We did this with my dad Thanksgiving weekend last year.  I made a pretty brunch, set a fancy table and served a yummy meal....then we trimmed the tree.  It stayed up till March....couldn't bare to take it down.

Little does my child know we may not even get to one this year.  We're moving, again....soon.  Who knows what this Christmas will look like, but I know this....it will be memorable.  Even if that means a frozen pizza and Christmas carols over a game of Uno.

And soon after the glorious day is passed....hopefully my guilt of not fulfilling his heartbroken request to decorate a tree in Papa's memory will escape me.  Honestly, not sure if I have it in me to face the emotions of a tree on top of everything else we have going on.  We'll see....

December 28th will be a year.  I may just run away that day.  Find a quiet place to myself and bawl my eyes out for the umpteenth time this year.

I remember having a GNO before I left Ohio.  The conversation turned to trying to remember the last time each of us cried.  Well....that was a no-brainer for me.  EVERY DAY.  Yep...took me till around July (and moving....thus my life being thrown every direction) to get distracted enough that the tears only came a couple days a week.  Now...maybe once a week (or twice, or every day ; ).  Seriously....I have no control.  It can be embarrassing.

And no...there is nothing wrong with me.  I had a great BIG love for my dad....and it takes a great BIG cry (over and over) to face his absence.  Its not unhealthy.  I'm not looney tunes.  And I won't hear it from anyone if you try to tell me otherwise.

I'm thankful for the doors God has opened for us.   And the ones He closed.  Goodness....if Dad were here right now, he'd be suffering most likely.  Maybe rallying a bit....to get through one more season of holidays.  But his illness was a nasty one.  It would've destroyed him before long.  We were spared the anguish of watching him deteriorate.  Thank you, Lord, for closed doors.  Even when we scream at you for shutting them.

I am thankful for our health....and thankful that the loved ones we lost, didn't suffer (at least not long).  Praise Him for having mercy.

I am thankful for the countless distractions I've had....as it has forced me to stay focused on moving forward and living life.  When I'd most likely crawl in a ball and spend most of my time grieving, otherwise.

I'm thankful that I haven't suffered a huge loss like this before age 38.  This year has rocked me...but many go through this at much younger years.  I am blessed.

I'm thankful that Finn had a friend from school invite us over tonight for a play/movie date.  My once so shy guy is making friends and finding his way. Praise!  And praise again.  Nothing sweeter to this momma's heart than to see him planting new roots.  My creature of habit and resister of change is getting settled here.  All six of his school buddies are coming to his birthday party on Friday...praise and praise again. : )  Love my Finn.

I am thankful that Miles has a tender heart.  And even tho he cries on the drop of a dime (like his mother), he loves BIG too.  His unexpected "I want to snuggle" and "I need a kiss and hug" comments can instantly bring me back to a happy place no matter what my stress level.  His blues eyes and rosy cheeks melt me...love him so.

I am thankful for my babe.  Working hard.  Making big sacrifices.  And always keeping me in check....as I get WAY too serious about things and he reminds me to be a goofball, laugh and dance with him in the kitchen as I cook dinner (saying....its good for the kids to see us love each other, then dip me for a kiss).  He loves me like no one else.  I'm blessed by that.  He is truly my best friend...and 10 short years ago I would've thought I was headed for missionary work and celibacy the rest of my life.  Never thought I'd find him and yet here we are...

So this Thanksgiving will look different for us.  But I'm thankful for the friends who are hosting us since our home is still not ready.  They are like family....and will soon be our neighbors.  So excited to share many memories with them this weekend...and years to come.

I'm thankful that my brother, Dave, will be here and I was able to see my brother, Tom, last week on a business trip.  I'm SUPER thankful for my rockin' mom who flew in to watch the kids while I went on the business trip.  And even more thankful she'll soon be here to stay.

I am thankful for our wild schedule and crazy life. Who needs to pack for moving when the slopes are calling us?!  Skiing it is this weekend...making memories is far more important that boxing belongings.  Thankful for lifetime friends who will be meeting us up there.  He's like a 4th brother to me...such a blessing to have such close friends who know you as well as your cousins.

I am thankful for God.  That he loves me and forgives me and leads me and teaches me.  I pray that I can spend enough time with Him (in prayer) over the holidays that I carry His peace in my heart.  Go with the flow.  Take each day as it comes.  (which is darn near impossible for this girl)

Pray you, too, find the roots of what you're thankful for.  I pray you enjoy your family....crazy bunch or not....because we all could use more compassion and grace.  And when you lose 4 close family members in a years time....you realize how short of time we all have together. As my awesome cousin puts it....we're all on loan.

So with all that said....

I'm

Giving thanks.
Giving love.
Giving praise.

xo
Laura

Home Stetch

This time of year I'm usually grasping for a finish line of photoshoots, editing and Christmas Card delivery.  Only to drop into Christmas cookies, shopping and wrapping.  Trying to maintain a balance of purpose and culture.  Heaven and Earth.  The home stretch....  Racing through holidays that were meant to be anything BUT a race.

Even tho I'm not working just yet...we are still super busy with everything that needs done and my husbands long commutes for work leave me doing it solo most of each month.

But its November 10th.  Thanksgiving is around the corner.  Soon we will revel in the birth of our Savior.

All will be calm.
All will be bright.

This fall brought lots of firsts for us.  First time I missed my dad's Halloween party in years.  First fall after spending last year visiting pumpkin farms, taking tractor rides and frolicking in leaf piles at his house.  First fall in CO...missing the one season in Ohio that I truly treasured.  Nothing like the damp, crisp smell of fallen leaves.

But Christ makes all things new.  New experiences.  Unchartered territory.  Twist without warning.  Only through Him can I face things with confidence, peace, and most all....strength.

I've noticed a repeated pattern in my life.  Busy-ness....distraction, to-do lists, meetings, obligations, chores.  When I get wrapped up in the days and lose site of opening my Bible and sitting....

Quietly.
Till calm falls down from above.

Then I become a crazed, frazzled, self-centered, hypochondriac who only looks for more things to add to my already overflowing days.

Morning...prayer before reaching for my phone.  Workout...the body is a temple.  Scripture...set my mind to Christ and take my mind off me.

Its simple, actually.
Only takes a moment.

Yet when I miss those important parts of my day....train wreck. And I am guilty and ashamed to admit that recently, I've barely done this at all.

I hope that you find peace as we approach Thanksgiving.  Peace in Christ.  Peace in your hearts.  Peace in your homes.

Nothing is worse that running through the holidays and feeling exhausted.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.  To give thanks.  To give to others.  To practice gratitude.  To share our light, our love and our words of thanks to the ones we love.

Then Christmas.  We will most likely be moving {again} sometime in December.  We're in the home stretch.  Thus who knows what Christmas will look like for us this year.

Part of me frets...what if I don't get to put up a tree, if the gifts don't get wrapped, if the cookies don't get baked?!

But the blessing comes in the moments spent eating reheated pizza, sipping rootbeers and popping in Elf and The Christmas Carol while we pile on each other on the couch.  Our kids will remember us playing games more than any gift they open, right?!  So why fret?

Life will be wild the next few months....as our transition continues.  But I am making my pledge now to do these 3 simple things to try to stay focused on the true meaning of our celebrations.  To let go of my expectations of what the holidays 'should' look like and embrace whatever they may be.

1) I will get the rest I need.  No sense pushing till a point of exhaustion, frustration and impatience.  If momma ain't happy....nobody's happy.  ; )  And rest = happy most days for this girl.
2) I will wake with prayer and read at least one Bible verse a day to reflect on and set my heart on Christ.  I will look at my children through His eyes of wonder instead of my tired eyes of schedules, homework and chores.
3) I will maintain a steady discipline of exercise...even if its a long walk with the kids.  Something to keep the stress at bay and the pounds away. : )

What are your pledges going into this beautiful holiday season?  How will you prepare your heart?

Wishing you all a very merry Thanksgiving and a grateful Christmas. xo