Always on your mind.
Always in your awareness.
Always heavy on your heart.
Each day this year has been different. In so many ways. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I'd guess there have been a few that I didn't cry....but many (most) I did. I've learned that crying isn't all that bad. Its healing.
Sometimes its a silent tear dropping as I doze off to sleep, hear a song in the car, see something that reminds me of him.
Other times its as heavy as the day it happened. And I weep....like a baby.
I've been told to move on or keep my chin up. Yes, life must go on. And I imagine that if we let our grief hinder our living, it can be a tricky thing.
This year we sold our house, moved cross country, then again into our new home. Left our church. Left our amazing community of friends and neighbors. I left my thriving business to start over. Shane has traveled back and forth to keep his going. It has been a huge year of transitions, changes and leaps of faith.
So I will and have moved on. I carry him with me. I napped in his work jacket on Christmas day and can smell the hints of his tractor fuel on the sleeves as I type this. He's with me.
I keep his picture close by on my desk. It helps to see his smile. I can only imagine how big he's smiling up there.
And just the week before Christmas I had a vivid dream of him. Sledding on the hill with all of us. Laughing, giggling. I just stood there...taking every breath as slowly as I could...soaking it in.
The angel came and told him that he had to go...he said he didn't get to dance with me yet. He came over and we swayed....but it was like a barrier between us...I couldn't touch him.
The angel said, again, it was time to go and started to walk away with him. He turned around, saw me there...and so no! That wasn't a real dance! He ran back, swept me up in his arms and spun me around so swiftly that my feet floated. His smile so bright. His laugh so sweet.
I woke up and cried for a good hour. Best gift. EVER.
Everyone deals with their grief differently. But I believe they can send us messages. Through dreams, nature, sunsets. There have been a handful of times that I definitely felt his presence. His love.
Twice through the building process, when I was at the house by myself, I had a hummingbird randomly fly right up and almost hit me square in the nose. He loved hummingbirds. I call that a message. : )
I know he prays for all of us. I have seen his blessings repeatedly. His legacy has lived on.
His church named their annual 5k race after him. The small town where he started his business had our family light the tree in their annual Christmas celebration. So many express their gratitude for knowing him and all he gave. My kids still miss him and talk about him like he was just here.
365 days tomorrow evening. The call. The drop of my heart. The tears. The trembling. The sweaty palms.
He held on till we all arrived at the hospital. Which given we were at a Cavs game in Cleveland...and had to drive to Akron through post-game traffic, I felt very blessed to be there in time. We held hands, prayed. Just moments later the nurse came in to tell us he wasn't going to make it.
The shock. The devastation. The goodbyes.
The emptiness. The fountain of tears. The nightmares. The night sweats.
Life goes on.
I am so thankful for Jesus and the promise of eternal life. More now than ever.
That day...the hole Dad left in our lives seemed vast and unending. But God fills it up. Every time the hole pulls open again, God fills it back up. He is the amazing bridge between us. The connection....forever. Heaven & Earth. I imagine two circles overlapping... Praise!
We have all learned to grow past the haunting memories of his departure and focus on the love.
Over 550 people at his wake. Over a 2 hour wait to give a hug. Clients, friends, family. So many...so much love. I was exhausted and emotionally wrecked...but that day is clear. I wanted to vividly remember every life he touched enough to stand there...to come through the line...to hug us.
My friend from Cleveland who had just finished chemo....stood and waited. My uncle from NC drove over six hours to be there a few hours, to give us his love. My pregnant girlfriend...7 months along. Friends from High School that I hadn't seen in ages. Neighbors, church friends, photography clients that came in scrubs after working a 12 hour shift at the hospital....stood and waited.
Humbled. So humbled. So very thankful.
The church...filled on a Monday morning. Four (yes four!) priests conducting his service. His final tractor ride to lay his body to rest. My friend with her brand new baby came...humbled.
Dinners brought by so many of my friends and neighbors when I couldn't even think about food.
Thank you...and thank you, again, to all who were there for us and continue to be.
Its been a big year of a lot of firsts. I'm sad that I'll miss the family gathering tomorrow night at his house. Laughter and tears will be shared, I'm sure. Balm to the broken hearted.
I really thought we'd have more time with you. At least 10 years. So whoever takes the time to read this...squeeze your loved ones. I wouldn't say I have regrets...they are more like longings. Longings that I would've made the time to do more with him. Picked up the phone more. Not been so caught up on the little things...and just dove in and made more memories.
I've had friends share how fortunate I am to have such a great dad. Some friends have lost dads and it was painful in different ways. I am humbled and beyond thankful for him. I don't know why we were blessed to be in his family, but my gratitude runs deep.
Thank you for being there. For always hugging us. Always reaching out and caring. For making the effort. For encouraging. For smiling. For loving. We are all blessed beyond measure by having you in our lives!
Your legacy lives on, dad. You will never be forgotten. I carry you with me every day and tuck away all the gems you taught us by living your life so well.
Part of my heart went up with you to heaven! I love you!
I'm forever honored to be your daughter. xo
His final tractor ride...
And the wagon full of kids on the way down....kicked into high gear just like he would love. : )
