Comfort is a familiar temptation, isn't it? Once snuggled into a thick blanket of comfort it is difficult to pursue uncertainty.
Yet in the uncertainty lies adventure.
Hope.
Deep-seeded faith.
I look back on last year and all the change we've been through. I wouldn't want to live with those levels of stress on a regular basis, but there is a beauty in discomfort and trials. The only beauty to be found when faced with any significant challenge in life.
Faith.
We are forced to leap off ledges we would never step near. We are forced to run blindly into futures with unforeseen outcomes. Failure lurking around every corner. Only God can bring comfort in those types of days.
I remember hiking the trail on the butte in our (now) backyard when we first bought the property. It was intimidating. I was unsure if I could climb it. Would there be animals? Snakes? Would I be winded? Fall and bruised? Scratched by prickers? But we hiked. In fact, I even carried Miles in the backpack carrier at times...which I sincerely miss those days.
Even while building, the boys would come up and want to play on the butte. The neighbor kids would come over and they'd climb around the rocks for hours. I'd sit and watch them, thinking...this. THIS. is what it's all about. No greater joy than sitting on a boulder on the side of our butte, watching the boys play...creating, exploring, pretending. Enjoying nature...which I feel is heaven overlapping earth. Laughing with their friends. Sun shining. Breeze blowing. This... My heart could explode.
I remember growing up with acreage and woods myself. Even a creek. We spent so many days running around outside. Finding ways to play, things to do. My dad left the property to Joyce, and some day when she goes to be with him, the property will be left to my brothers and I. The woods we built forts in. The sledding hill. The trails we walked countless times. The rope swings. The carved tree bark. Memories...so many memories... Those woods know our innocence of playing hide & seek. Our tears of ended relationships. Our voices of anger, hope, despair, and laughter. Our first kisses. Our fears. Our secrets. Our faith. Those woods hold a piece of my soul that no other place has...till now.
I look at our kids playing on these rocks with their friends and tears roll. Their memories are beginning. Such a blessing. Another generation of memories unfolds before my eyes. I imagine how my dad must have felt, watching us play on those rolling acres. I see these kids playing and feel gratitude that runs deep and strong. It fills me up. Shane and I steal a glance, our eyes in unison with emotion...this is it. This is what we're here for.
After a very busy start to the year (and a few bugs that knocked me down), I finally feel like we're getting settled. There are still countless projects to complete...but, we're here. We're functioning. We're comfortable.
My body cannot get enough sleep these days. I could go to sleep with the boys every night. I feel like I'm catching up on a years worth of discomfort. And gearing up for what's next.
I walked the butte trail by myself twice last weekend. I've only been up there solo a few times. The dirt is still new. Our digs...still new. What will this land and this home feel like in 30 years? What secrets will this hill know? What tears will these rocks swallow? What tales will be told?
I noticed the discomfort I first had hiking the butte alone has settled some. I have more peace. The dirt is becoming familiar. The air, the smells, the sounds. I know the turns. I know the journey. There is peace in knowing.
God calls us to uncharted territory all the time. Every day seems like a new turn. So many people we know faced with challenges I'll never understand. I reassure myself...its part of life to be challenged. We each have our own. No one escapes. We are all driven to be renewed in faith. Pushed to rely on Him.
But its always good to have comfort, isn't it? That when we are pushed to our limits, we have comfort to fall back on? Familiarity. Assurance. Hope. Dirt and digs that flood our minds with memories.
Last year was one uncertainty after another. With a big dollop of grief on top. I found little comfort. I spent a lot days away from my husband while he worked in Ohio. Many days in tears, grieving my dad. But the blessings flowed. Life went on. Familiarity. Assurance. Hope....all found in God. In family. In the comfort of knowing my dad is not gone forever...but just a numbered amount of days away.
I reflect on this journey. Uncertain of what lies ahead. Growing comfortable in our new space. On our new dirt. The balance...of filling up our souls in these comforts, while still reaching for the unknown. Thankful for the place we call 'home', yet seeking ways we can still serve and stretch ourselves and faith.
May we all find the comfort we need in Him. No matter where we are, what we're faced with, who we're with. Let Him be our familiar. Let His love linger long in our days.
3.07.2016
2.25.2016
Mid-Life Reset
In less than 3 months I will turn 40. The big 4-0. Which age has always been a number to me...I still dance like I'm 20, sing like I'm 16 cruising in my own car for the first time and love like I've never been hurt.
One thing has changed...I need a reset.
The last 10 years of my life I've been married to my best friend (well, this fall will be 10) and we worked incredibly hard towards a goal of having our own little 'slice of heaven' where our kids could roam, we'd build a dream home and be living in CO where we both love and live for getting outdoors regularly. Something about the big skies, fresh air, majestic scenes...I feel closer to God's creations. Closer to 'heaven'. Thus closer to Dad.
My dad called his land/home his 'little slice of heaven'. He was so happy there....he truly loved his property and used to make countless memories. We, too, hope to enjoy this place for years to come and share it with many. We've only been here 2 1/2 months and already had 3 house guests. :) And others lining up. This makes my heart happy. This is what its all about.
So why the reset?
We're here. HERE. h e r e.
Every minute of free time over the last 10 years was spent dreaming, scheming and working towards this...we're here.
The exhaustion from moving, traveling and settling is slowly wearing off and life is settling into real life. Its slowly starting to hit me that we are here....hopefully forever.
So aside from the countless projects, play areas and things we'd like to do here...my slate is clean. This dream that I've been living the last 10 years is finally here...now! I took the time to linger a bit. I relaxed. I've watched the entire series of Scandal on Netflix & Hulu (and I never watch TV). Shane would laugh at me because it was like seeing a fish out of water. But I let my mind detach for a bit. We made it...we still have a long way to go, but we're here.
Its a big birthday coming up. With God's blessing, maybe I'm hitting my half way? All I know is that I am having big thoughts. My brain is overwhelmed with philosophical questions, aspirations, ideas. Yet I'm floundering a bit. I can't seem to connect anything...get a grip. Set goals.
Monday late I made it home from a business trip to Cabo, Mexico. Thankful the trip was a huge success...I also was very aware of the ebb and flow in life. Reflecting. The language there. The people....they are so happy. So simple. So grateful to have people to serve. YES....GRATEFUL FOR PEOPLE TO SERVE. Happy to clean rooms, serve food and beverages. Happy to mop floors and squeegee windows. Happy. How many of us could say we would be HAPPY TO SERVE?
So different than most of our American culture these days. Kids demanding what they want to eat, play, have, do. Parents in the rut of work, trapped, miserable. People, in general, unhappy, rushing, running, too busy to finish a conversation. I have fallen into this way of life. Snapping at my kids instead of embracing them. Feeling like I'm checking off my to-do list every day instead of living.
I flew through LA on the way back. The waves of headlights making mazes on the roads....3 lanes wide. Blood red sunset over the Pacific. Such an odd combination of a calm sea, God's creation...next to one of the busiest, most pretentious cities in the world. The calm bathed in a heavenly beauty all of its own....shored up against the bustle, high maintenance land of the famous. And suddenly it hits me....that the God I pray to, talk to, have for my best friend...He has ALL of those people to love too. And that's just one city! He has the whole world to listen to! And if they talk half as much as I do to him....wOw. Just WoW!
Riding the shuttle bus to my connecting gate I share a leather loop hanging from the support poles for stability with an a man with brown skin. His wife hanging on to him, her head tiredly placed on his chest. My hand bumps his when we move. Same God. Same love. ALL his people.
I come home exhausted from helping my brother with a group of 110 people....functions, meetings, excursions, transfers. I come home reenergized by the perspective. I come home deeply grateful for these people under one roof I'm blessed to call family. Humbled. Raw. In need of a reset.
40 will come fast enough. If I'm blessed to be half way there...I have another lifetime to leave an impression here. What do I want to be remembered for? What legacy do I want to leave?
The last 40 years I spent finding myself. Finding my way. Arriving where I am now.
The next 40 years...its a blank slate. Anything....any dream. Any goal. Anything.
So tonight I plan to dream. Where do I want my business to go? What do I want to give back with my gifts? What do I want to be for my kids? Husband? What legacy am I here to leave? What does God want me to do?
Its time to turn up who I am to full capacity. All the energy I've spent figuring out how to keep my toddlers safe, start a business, help Shane run his, plan a home, build a home....I can now restructure and reset. The kids are in school all day. Business can be anything I strive for here....even if that means a different direction. Give every day all I've got. Not just get through....not just check off my list. But strive to lay my head down at night knowing I worked toward what I was sent here to do. For this season of my life.
Reset.
Go.
One thing has changed...I need a reset.
The last 10 years of my life I've been married to my best friend (well, this fall will be 10) and we worked incredibly hard towards a goal of having our own little 'slice of heaven' where our kids could roam, we'd build a dream home and be living in CO where we both love and live for getting outdoors regularly. Something about the big skies, fresh air, majestic scenes...I feel closer to God's creations. Closer to 'heaven'. Thus closer to Dad.
My dad called his land/home his 'little slice of heaven'. He was so happy there....he truly loved his property and used to make countless memories. We, too, hope to enjoy this place for years to come and share it with many. We've only been here 2 1/2 months and already had 3 house guests. :) And others lining up. This makes my heart happy. This is what its all about.
So why the reset?
We're here. HERE. h e r e.
Every minute of free time over the last 10 years was spent dreaming, scheming and working towards this...we're here.
The exhaustion from moving, traveling and settling is slowly wearing off and life is settling into real life. Its slowly starting to hit me that we are here....hopefully forever.
So aside from the countless projects, play areas and things we'd like to do here...my slate is clean. This dream that I've been living the last 10 years is finally here...now! I took the time to linger a bit. I relaxed. I've watched the entire series of Scandal on Netflix & Hulu (and I never watch TV). Shane would laugh at me because it was like seeing a fish out of water. But I let my mind detach for a bit. We made it...we still have a long way to go, but we're here.
Its a big birthday coming up. With God's blessing, maybe I'm hitting my half way? All I know is that I am having big thoughts. My brain is overwhelmed with philosophical questions, aspirations, ideas. Yet I'm floundering a bit. I can't seem to connect anything...get a grip. Set goals.
Monday late I made it home from a business trip to Cabo, Mexico. Thankful the trip was a huge success...I also was very aware of the ebb and flow in life. Reflecting. The language there. The people....they are so happy. So simple. So grateful to have people to serve. YES....GRATEFUL FOR PEOPLE TO SERVE. Happy to clean rooms, serve food and beverages. Happy to mop floors and squeegee windows. Happy. How many of us could say we would be HAPPY TO SERVE?
So different than most of our American culture these days. Kids demanding what they want to eat, play, have, do. Parents in the rut of work, trapped, miserable. People, in general, unhappy, rushing, running, too busy to finish a conversation. I have fallen into this way of life. Snapping at my kids instead of embracing them. Feeling like I'm checking off my to-do list every day instead of living.
I flew through LA on the way back. The waves of headlights making mazes on the roads....3 lanes wide. Blood red sunset over the Pacific. Such an odd combination of a calm sea, God's creation...next to one of the busiest, most pretentious cities in the world. The calm bathed in a heavenly beauty all of its own....shored up against the bustle, high maintenance land of the famous. And suddenly it hits me....that the God I pray to, talk to, have for my best friend...He has ALL of those people to love too. And that's just one city! He has the whole world to listen to! And if they talk half as much as I do to him....wOw. Just WoW!
Riding the shuttle bus to my connecting gate I share a leather loop hanging from the support poles for stability with an a man with brown skin. His wife hanging on to him, her head tiredly placed on his chest. My hand bumps his when we move. Same God. Same love. ALL his people.
I come home exhausted from helping my brother with a group of 110 people....functions, meetings, excursions, transfers. I come home reenergized by the perspective. I come home deeply grateful for these people under one roof I'm blessed to call family. Humbled. Raw. In need of a reset.
40 will come fast enough. If I'm blessed to be half way there...I have another lifetime to leave an impression here. What do I want to be remembered for? What legacy do I want to leave?
The last 40 years I spent finding myself. Finding my way. Arriving where I am now.
The next 40 years...its a blank slate. Anything....any dream. Any goal. Anything.
So tonight I plan to dream. Where do I want my business to go? What do I want to give back with my gifts? What do I want to be for my kids? Husband? What legacy am I here to leave? What does God want me to do?
Its time to turn up who I am to full capacity. All the energy I've spent figuring out how to keep my toddlers safe, start a business, help Shane run his, plan a home, build a home....I can now restructure and reset. The kids are in school all day. Business can be anything I strive for here....even if that means a different direction. Give every day all I've got. Not just get through....not just check off my list. But strive to lay my head down at night knowing I worked toward what I was sent here to do. For this season of my life.
Reset.
Go.
1.01.2016
The Beauty of Dreams
Wrapping up 2015. What a ride.
The ups of planning, building and moving into our dream home.
The downs of leaving family & friends and wading through a sea of grieving.
Life moves on...
Tonight we ate sauerkraut. We played card games. We are heading to bed at 10pm. : )
But tonight brings a time of reflection, a time of direction, a time of being still...
Tomorrow is Dad's birthday...which is a double whammy after passing the anniversary of his death. I won't lie, its not easy.
But Dad would never want me lingering in grief when there is beauty and life to live. Adventures to take. Memories to make. Cakes to bake. lol
I look around me...healthy family. My mom has moved in with us...and its so sweet to have her here. To be able to just go downstairs and get a hug or have a quick chat. The boys love to run down and visit her.
As she unpacks, the space is slowly starting to resemble her condo in Ohio. Similar feel, art, furniture.
She has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. And brave enough to move cross country, leaving the only state she's ever known at 74 years old. I only hope and pray that living here will be a journey of peace, encouragement and comfort for her.
We still have a bit of settling to do...but it will come. One day at a time...
So as we leave 2015 and cross over into 2016 tonight, my heart pulls in spinning directions. Bittersweet. Missing dad. Thankful for mom. Missing family in Ohio, yet thankful to be here and settled under a blanket of stars decorating the hills behind us. Our own little slice of heaven...as my dad would say. He loved his home in the country and I know we will too.
As I drove home from errands this afternoon, I was winding down the country dirt roads to our house. I thought of dad...and how he must of felt driving home from work to his country dirt road. It is peaceful. Something in the air changes. The lights and heat of the city dissipate and your mind opens up. The closer I get to nature, the closer I feel to God...the closer I feel to dad.
I'm finally home...for now. My next home will be eternal, hopefully. I pray we never have to leave this place. And I'm excited for the memories to be made in 2016.
So far we have my darling 85 year old uncle coming, my in-laws, my brother & his kids, my cousin mentioned coming with his boys to ski, and the boys are already asking for play dates with school friends and neighbors. All on the books for the first few months of 2016. I even get to go on a work trip to Cabo with my other brother. Can't wait to see what God lines up for the rest of 2016. : )
Life will be full. And I'm sure the tears will happen along the way. But I feel like Dad is gently sending messages my way...its ok. Time to settle in, make our house our home, open the doors and let life bloom. He was a great example of that...and took pleasure in the simple things. Like his ring toss game....which I hope to install on our back patio come spring. : )
Its time to embrace the moments I have with mom. Embrace the friends & family that visit. Embrace the gift of this property and share it with others. Embrace these kiddos that are growing faster than I like. Nothing is "ours." We deserve nothing. Life can change in a minute. I am constantly reminded of that. We are so abundantly blessed and thankful. I keep telling Shane that I pray that our biggest expense is food....for entertaining. May God give us servants hearts and the means to deliver.
Pray you have a safe and fun-filled new years eve. May you have a blessed, successful and healthy new year.
Thank you, Lord, for my healthy family. I look at my boys and smile at their growing bodies, quirky gates and toothy grins. They are full of such love. We are beyond blessed. Thank you. Thank you.
Happy New Year Everyone!
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
The ups of planning, building and moving into our dream home.
The downs of leaving family & friends and wading through a sea of grieving.
Life moves on...
Tonight we ate sauerkraut. We played card games. We are heading to bed at 10pm. : )
But tonight brings a time of reflection, a time of direction, a time of being still...
Tomorrow is Dad's birthday...which is a double whammy after passing the anniversary of his death. I won't lie, its not easy.
But Dad would never want me lingering in grief when there is beauty and life to live. Adventures to take. Memories to make. Cakes to bake. lol
I look around me...healthy family. My mom has moved in with us...and its so sweet to have her here. To be able to just go downstairs and get a hug or have a quick chat. The boys love to run down and visit her.
As she unpacks, the space is slowly starting to resemble her condo in Ohio. Similar feel, art, furniture.
She has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. And brave enough to move cross country, leaving the only state she's ever known at 74 years old. I only hope and pray that living here will be a journey of peace, encouragement and comfort for her.
We still have a bit of settling to do...but it will come. One day at a time...
So as we leave 2015 and cross over into 2016 tonight, my heart pulls in spinning directions. Bittersweet. Missing dad. Thankful for mom. Missing family in Ohio, yet thankful to be here and settled under a blanket of stars decorating the hills behind us. Our own little slice of heaven...as my dad would say. He loved his home in the country and I know we will too.
As I drove home from errands this afternoon, I was winding down the country dirt roads to our house. I thought of dad...and how he must of felt driving home from work to his country dirt road. It is peaceful. Something in the air changes. The lights and heat of the city dissipate and your mind opens up. The closer I get to nature, the closer I feel to God...the closer I feel to dad.
I'm finally home...for now. My next home will be eternal, hopefully. I pray we never have to leave this place. And I'm excited for the memories to be made in 2016.
So far we have my darling 85 year old uncle coming, my in-laws, my brother & his kids, my cousin mentioned coming with his boys to ski, and the boys are already asking for play dates with school friends and neighbors. All on the books for the first few months of 2016. I even get to go on a work trip to Cabo with my other brother. Can't wait to see what God lines up for the rest of 2016. : )
Life will be full. And I'm sure the tears will happen along the way. But I feel like Dad is gently sending messages my way...its ok. Time to settle in, make our house our home, open the doors and let life bloom. He was a great example of that...and took pleasure in the simple things. Like his ring toss game....which I hope to install on our back patio come spring. : )
Its time to embrace the moments I have with mom. Embrace the friends & family that visit. Embrace the gift of this property and share it with others. Embrace these kiddos that are growing faster than I like. Nothing is "ours." We deserve nothing. Life can change in a minute. I am constantly reminded of that. We are so abundantly blessed and thankful. I keep telling Shane that I pray that our biggest expense is food....for entertaining. May God give us servants hearts and the means to deliver.
Pray you have a safe and fun-filled new years eve. May you have a blessed, successful and healthy new year.
Thank you, Lord, for my healthy family. I look at my boys and smile at their growing bodies, quirky gates and toothy grins. They are full of such love. We are beyond blessed. Thank you. Thank you.
Happy New Year Everyone!
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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