All About Me

Going to bed would be the smart and responsible thing to do right now.  Instead, I'm here.  Writing as a release....creatively, emotionally, and spiritually.  I'm at the kitchen table, looking at the glass of Sauvignon Blanc that my husband sweetly poured me last night....that I never drank.  Got distracted with the garage, kids, bedtime, editing.  Went in the fridge.  Took it out at late lunch today (why not....its summer : ) and had maybe two sips.  Its still sitting on my table - now headed to give the drain the best drink its had in months.

If you read my blog, you know that we've been super busy recently.  The one thing that has slipped my radar, along with many other things, is my moral compass.  I haven't been consistently in the Word since March.  I've kept up pretty fairly with my daily prayer time (with the kids, bedtime, meals, etc) but I have not had (or made) the time to do my devotions, studies, and deep point-specific praying for those who are in need.

Where has this led me?  To a place of disaster.  Downward spiral.  Slowly falling further away from my Savior and into the trappings of every day life.  Chaos. Wants.  Complaints.  Fear.  So-called needs. Judgments.  Criticism.  A life full of 'All About Me'.

It is time.

It is time to reclaim myself.  Well, not that I can save myself, but I can choose to make the effort!  : ) At least a little each day.  Maybe if I write my goals here, it will give me more accountability and reasons to report back on how I'm doing.  How I'm failing.

Our Bible study group decided to take a break in March.  Well, I did.  I was hosting a small group of women every other week in my home. Mom's with similar daily duties, challenges, delights.  Once 6-8 women, dwindled down to 2 regular attendees.  I stopped because it seemed like too much.  Life was getting crazy and it was one thing I could take off our calendars.  I'm so sorry I did.  I need the push to do the homework.  I need the accountability.  I need the fellowship.

Breaking Free, by Beth Moore, is the study book I decided to purchase and walk through on my own.  No videos.  No group.  Just me and the Word.  I'm just getting started...3 months later.  But I did sit down tonight and do 2 days worth of homework.  I also read through my devotionals.  Its a start.  It felt SO good.  The peace that spills over me while I'm in the Word is beyond comprehension.  Heaven sent.  Beautiful.

How quickly and easily I fall off track.  One swear word slips from my mouth and then a slue continue for days to follow.  One piece of gossip shared to a friend, I find myself telling the story to another.  Simple interactions with my family, kids, friends should be enjoyable, yet I'm irritable, angry and impatient.  Rushed, pushing, annoyed.  Once the door is opened, the enemy works at you from every angle.  Until you're destroyed.

So tonight I take oath to work towards change.  Back to my Father's arms for comfort.  May He cleanse my unclean lips, may He fill me with the Spirit and all the fruits that come with it.  May He forgive me for my failures and let me start fresh tomorrow.

For sake of sharing....here is my laundry list of the things that I am most annoyed with myself and want to work on:

Patience.
Diction.
Grace.
Integrity.
Attitude.

Those are big ones.  Let's see if I can be more specific:

• Listening to my kids more intently and calmly.  Treating others with peace and love.
• Choose my words wisely.  Quit swearing.  Only share things that will help/lift others. (take the bad stuff to God to work through instead of gossiping)
• Allow myself the room to grow.  To stumble.  To get back up and move on.  Allow everyone else that same grace.
• Be honest.  Say what I mean.  Do not embellish. Let my 'yes' be 'yes'.  No be no. Listen more than I speak.
• Look for the bright side.  Embrace it.  Pray for God's joy to overflow in my heart. Be an encourager.

That should keep me busy.   : )

NOW I can go to bed.  And will actually be able to sleep.  Having this in writing means I have a reference.  I have accountability.  I have a clear description of my focus.  

Happy Friday everyone!