Purpose

Sometimes I feel like my life stands still in the midst of the chaos.  School, errands, work, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and trying to fit time for play, friends, devotions and what about my marriage?  There I stand....still in the midst of everything spinning around me like a tornado.

I feel like God is pruning me.  In many ways and forms....but two in particular.  I've seen my circle of friends transition throughout my life.  Some changes come from adversity.  Some changes come from geography.  Some changes come from lifestyle changes...family, children, schedules.  But this particular season of my life I feel like I'm being pulled away from my close friends.

Its not that I don't have friends.  Or even that I don't see them. I have a wonderful world full of girlfriends I love and adore.  Each bringing something fresh and new in my life.  But What I feel right now is God calling me to put HIM FIRST.  Instead of calling a friend, getting on my knees and calling him.  Putting my time and attention into my family.  Into our future.  Into my faith.

At first I felt a little lonely.  I felt like no one truly got 'me'.  But now I am seeing that God gets me...and He wants me to have my eyes set on HIM alone.  I'm humbled....I'm at peace.  I'm thankful.  I'm loved.  What a beautiful gift to receive....God's unending love.  How foolishly I often flee from it.

In this pruning process I'm left looking at my life. Evaluating things.  And realizing how much excess.  How many culture-induced 'needs' I have in my life.  Suddenly I want nothing more than to purge.  I want less.  In the quiet of less....I'll have more.  In the 'more' I'll have purpose.

We're gearing up for a move to Colorado at some point.  We have 35 acres of land waiting for us.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about what my life would be like there.  How what I'm currently doing would look so different if we were there.

We plan to downsize.  Smaller home.  Less belongings.  More purpose.

We spent spring break with my beautiful cousin, Molly.  She and her daughter share a gorgeous home in AZ.   Its a ranch, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms.  Probably 1500 sq ft?  There were 6 of us under one roof for 7 days and never once was it uncomfortable.  In fact, it was amazing.  I wish we lived together all the time.  Sharing the duties of life...it was easy.  It just flowed.  Shane and I left her place with the realization that we want less.  We would be so happy to have a house that size instead of our current 3500ish home.

Don't get me wrong....I feel immensely blessed to be where we are.  I have never felt like this home was my own.  I feel like I'm living in my parents home....that somehow we acquired.  Having a home like this in the type of neighborhood has been a dream and blessing.  Its served us well and I can honestly say that with my studio in the basement, we use it all.

But now our babies are getting older.  And all the 'stuff' that comes with having babies is thinning.  We now play with bikes and match box cars.  Trampolines and markers.  Things much more compact than swings, jumpers and saucers.  More time outside.  And we're realizing we're ready to slim down.

A house where we have one common area of living space....where we actually have to talk to each other and not float to the basement or play room upstairs.  Its time to move away from the mindset we've grown to accept of 'bigger is better'.  More is necessity.  Always looking for whats next.

I cannot wait to have our little home on 35 acres where we spend most of our time together.  Outside more.

Where we save our pennies previously spent on the hottest toys and video games....and go on a family missions trip.  I want my boys to see how the world lives.  To have a heart full of compassion and awareness.

Oddly enough I was sharing some of this with my mom on the phone tonight.  How I feel God is pruning me....maybe for a move??!?  And how I have this insatiable craving for purpose.

2 minutes later.  I sit down to eat dinner with the boys (Shane's still working) and out of nowhere Finn asks me...."Mom, can we go to a poor place?  I want to see the kids and play with them.  I want to take them food and share it.  Like bananas, mom.  I bet they've never tasted a banana."  I teared up.  God sure has a sense of humor.

I asked Finn....did you discuss missions at school today?  No.  What made you think of that?  I don't know....remember you showed me those kids a long time ago? (yes...Christmas...when we were donating shoe boxes).  How funny that he says it now.  At this time.  At that moment.

So now I will be searching for ways we can get involved.  Locally. This summer.  He's ready.  His heart is on fire for the Lord....and I am so excited to see what He has in store for us!  More purpose.

Its amazing to me what I hear when I quiet myself enough to just LISTEN.  There is such a delicate balance between isolation from society and finding peace in my faith.  I crave those quiet moments with my kids....where we wrestle and giggle, go outside and jump on the trampoline.  They cackle and squeal with excitement.  That's the good stuff.  And I want more of it.

It has taken me 3 days to return some of my work emails.  Guilt wells up inside.  I simply have not had time (in my opinion) to sit down and do it.  Why?  Because I've been nurturing Miles whose allergies are so bad he just wants to snuggle.  I've been baking and cooking for my family so we have good food to eat.  I've been having conversations with people face to face.  I've been putting my phone down and trying to look at my LIFE.  Its a hard adjustment.  I fight the urge to dive into technology constantly.  But the joy....the joy is in relationship.

I have been trying to overcome my sense of urgency.  Urgency to check my phone every 2 minutes.  Urgency to answer every call as it comes in.  Urgency to answer an email while driving instead of waiting till I'm safely parked at my destination.  Our society is full of urgency.  Its time for me to let it go.

Hopefully we can find a place to serve this summer.  A place where my kids can bring light in someones world.  A place where we can be still.  Quiet.  And listen.  Let the joy steep into the air.  We have so much to learn.