Fearless

If you've read my blog at all, you have probably gotten to know my heart and mind....which never shut off.  They process things, emotions, past, present and future constantly.  And as I grow older (and what I hope to be wiser ; ), I am realizing how many of us face some of the challenges and fears that I face daily...thus why aren't we talking about it?

My life has been altered and sheltered and contained out of FEAR.

I look back at my life and I have been so incredibly, abundantly blessed.  And I'm not saying this is a proud, nanner-nanner-nanner, kind of way.  I say this in a reassuring, lesson-learned, need to embrace it kind of way.  Sure, I've faced loss, heartache, grief, sorrow and struggles.  But above that, I have been BLESSED.  Yet so much of that abundant life I spent in FEAR.  Not fully appreciating the grace I've been given.

You see, ever since I was in High school....maybe even junior high, I can remember worrying.  Worrying about little things, big things, nonexistent things, potential things.  Worrying about other people, their struggles, their opinions, their approval.  Things that would rob me of energy, time, attention and happiness.  Things that would keep me from living my life to the fullest.  Going after dreams.  Fully being in a moment.  Even listening to people...my thoughts would carry me to my fears.

Different times of my life the fears have been louder.  Like when I got engaged...and had some relational challenges with my in-laws.  I am such a pleaser and the fact that I may be entering into a life-long commitment with someone whose family wasn't particularly keen of me (at the time), I was fearful.  I was scared.  I was hurt....wondering what I could do to fix it.  I spent countless hours obsessing over it.  Fear gripped me.

When I had kids, the fear just crept in deeper.  What if I die?!  Who will raise them?  Who would feed them?  They're nursing, they need me.  I WANT to be here for them.  Every age of it.  What if something happened?

So far...it hasn't.

Yet, fear.  Its still there.  It still grips me.

All that time.  All those precious moments.  LOST.

We have dreams of one day living in CO.  Life is going well.  My business is thriving, the kids bring so much joy, I still love my husband of 8 years in a giddy sort of way.  My family hasn't suffered any immediate loss.  We've had illness, but we're all still here.

Fear.  Did I really say that out loud? Am I jinxing myself?  What if?????

I've decided to call this damn fear Gremlin.  Because I read somewhere that it helps to name it and realize it is not part of me, but something I can get rid of.  I CAN live a life without it.  I CAN live a life in joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  I CAN be fully engaged RIGHT NOW.  I CAN listen fully to the precious people in my life.  I CAN.  And I WILL.

I've spent entirely too much time worrying.  What could happen.  What might happen.  Yeah, that is great, BUT what if this?!

I am HERE.  Right NOW.  There are no guarantees.  But that heed of wisdom does not need to be taken in by fear, it can be taken in by TREASURE.

So tonight I'm going to draw a long bath.  I'm going to let it go. Again.  And again.  And again...

And continue to let that ugly Gremlin go until I can once again breath deeply and fully.  Till I don't feel his weight on my shoulders.  Till I'm not distracted by his constant banter.  Till I can live my life FULLY to the creation God meant me to be.

Without FEAR.

I will be BRAVE.  I will take each blessing and its abundance and use it for good.  To serve my family.  To serve my clients.  To serve this world in the only way I can and know how....the way God created ME to be.  No one else's job.

I cannot control my future, as much as I'd like to.  And regardless of what happens....it will be OK.

It truly will be OK.

So to anyone out there who struggles in any of the same ways, you are not alone!  The media screams FEAR.   Stories of friends, family and neighbors getting ill, horrific accidents....all screams FEAR.  I look at the blessings in my life, completely stumped by WHY I have them and someone else doesn't? Feeling guilty and FEARing my story may soon change.  RELEASE it.

This is my life.  This is my story.  I was uniquely and wonderfully made by God.  He will make my path straight.  I cannot control it, but I can be BRAVE.

Dare I live to bravely embrace the goodness I've been given at THIS moment.  RIGHT now.  To be happy and not apologize for it?  To be blessed and not feel guilty for it?  To have compassion for others and encourage them without taking on their pain and being fearful it will soon be my own?

Gremlin...go.  Its time to start living....fully alive.  RIGHT now.  Lord, please.  PLEASE.  Give me the strength.  I want to be BRAVE.