Believe

I don't know how many times I've heard the phrase...faith is all you need.

Good deeds are something that everyone strives to do, but faith...so long as you believe that Christ is the son of God and died for your sins....well, that is the cream to the pudding.

I'm currently studying James.  Chapter 2, verse 21 - 26 to be exact.  He's been leading up to this passage by asking for wisdom.  Finding perseverance through trials.  Not playing favorites.  If you want to know about 'right living', James is the place to be.  It is humbling and fulfilling.

But until today, I never really got it.  Maybe I still don't.  But I think I at least get a better glimpse of where he's going with all of this now.

He quotes the story of Abraham...how God calls him to sacrifice his son.  Abraham, with deep sorrow, takes his son up the hill, prepares the table....only to have God stop him at the last moment.  It was a test of faith.  Abraham passed.

I think about this myself...put myself in his shoes.  Not that I like this example by any means, but to think about the depth of faith that Abraham must have had in order to believe that in some way....through some angle, God would have something good come of his request.  To trust that it was the only thing to do.  To be willing to give up the one thing on earth he loved most.

That....that is amazing faith.

Not to twist this story into encouraging sick and demented minds to thinking this sort of thing should go on today....NO.

What I saw in this story was....BELIEF.  To be secure. Trusting.  Knowing.  Without a doubt...without a question.

How many times do I come across a path in life.  A decision.  A choice.

All day....every day.

How many times do I look to God for the direction.  The answer.  The voice.

Far less than I'd like to admit.

But in seeing this today....it made me realize the connection.  When you truly and deeply BELIEVE in God....you are filled with the Holy Spirit.  Those random 'thoughts' of kindness....yep, that's him.  But do we question them?  Do we follow them?  Even if its an inconvenience? Or do we follow our own selfish ambitions?

Having faith is enough.  Clearly...the sinner on the cross next to Jesus went to see paradise that day with him...just by saying, "I believe."  He didn't have the chance to do works.

But when you TRULY believe...works are not even a question.  When you are confident in the truth, you do not hesitate to move.  If I am truly listening to the thoughts of the Spirit, still enough to hear them, and KNOW the source...would I ever question listening?! Acting upon those thoughts?!

Ever since Dad died I have a different view of our life here on earth.  I see the picture from a wider lens, so to speak.  Heaven isn't so far away...after all, we're all governed by the same God.  I believe Dad can see us.  I believe he can pray for us.  I believe he can have compassion for our grief.  And in knowing he will be there waiting for me, I long now for heaven in a way I never did before.  I was always scared to leave my loved ones....but that view has now changed.  One of my closest loved ones is there.  We're not all that far apart.

So I then ask myself....when you do good deeds...what are your intentions behind them?  To feel good?  To look good?  To share with someone later what you did for someone else?  To expect it to be repaid eventually in return?

I believe that when you act on the Spirits nudge and do something good...it should only feel like you were doing something for God.  You will not have any ownership in it at all.  And if you're praised for it, you will give God the glory of giving you the idea.  You will walk away from the task with peace, but not pride.  It will feel good because of the service you did for the Lord, not for yourself.  You won't ponder on it, speak of it, dwell on it...you'll be busy moving on to your next calling.

We have a lot of unknowns in our future right now.  Lots of big questions, huge leaps and uncertainty around every bend.  There is HUGE room for failure.  There are slim margins.  Plenty of room for doubt and questions.  This year is a shift in our book.  Not just a new chapter, but taking on a new plot.  Only through Christ will we be ready for the leap.

It is in Christ that I find peace.  In Christ that I found comfort.  In Christ that I find direction, wisdom and answers....or protection in closed doors.  I can feel the change.  I can feel the movement.  I don't know where the current will take us....but we are on a ride.

I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us....His plan is ALWAYS beyond my wildest dreams and FAR surpasses anything I could ever do on my own.

May my heart fully, entirely and confidently BELIEVE.  Rest in my faith.  In His arms.  Acting only on the thoughts of the Spirit.  Giving God the Glory all along.  It is a daily surrender...

Are you in there?

Well, its been over 2 months since Dad died.  Much of which has been an emotional blur.  I finally feel like I can function again. After spending some time on an anti-depressant...which only led me to feeling so numb I couldn't cry at all...I am now off everything and seeing where I settle.

Panic attacks woke me 2-3 times a night for the first month.  The discomfort of them just made me more weary and brought them on harder and more frequently.  I'm finally free of that cycle.  They only happen occasionally.

I still cry.  Every day.  But the tears now come when I'm 'ambushed' by something instead of a constant sea.  A song.  A card.  A photo.  A smell.  A memory.  My brother told me today that they call this an 'ambush'.  A fleeting moment or thought that brings on an attack of hot tears and a bleeding heart.

I think I've aged a good 10 years in 2 months.  Can't seem to get enough sleep.  Or water.  Yet I am not 'together' enough to really get either of them sufficiently.

But the pain is moving and changing.  I feel the shift from being in denial to the edge of acceptance.  It still feels like he's just down the road....but that road is now golden.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and realize I'm still in there.  This shell of a body that masks my weeping soul.  I'm still in there.  I am starting to surface.

I still talk to him.  I still share with him.  More now than when he was here...because I feel like he is always accessible.  Always there.

The book 'Heaven' describes things such that you don't lose sight of whats going on here when you're in heaven.  You don't lose your compassion.  Being with Jesus is a joy beyond any we'll know here...so it doesn't distract you from that splendor.  But you are able to see.  You are able to pray for people.  You are able to feel for them.

I had a dream about my dad a few weeks back.  Although the scenario was whacky and clearly a dream, one thing was very, very real.  Dad hugged me.  He was behind me, wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe.  It was like he didn't want to let go.  It almost scared me as I had (for a moment) forgot that he was gone and I was wondering what was wrong.  I woke up...skin glistening and heart racing.  Another panic attack.  But the hug....it was SO REAL.  I could FEEL him.  He was right there!  I was sleeping on my side...it was like he snuggled right up there with me. His soul on my back.  His arms wrapping me tight.  His hands....clasped.  The love...indescribable.

I know he's dancing in heaven.  I know he's close by.  My tears still fall.  The ache still raw.

I have a life ahead of me.  Full of purpose.  Full of adventure.  Full of beauty and tremendous blessings.  My little family, already a tremendous blessing.  They are helping me so much.  I look at these boys...I'm humbled.  What a gift to see them every day.

My dad lived large. Full, yet soft. A thrill seeker. A relationship nurturer.  Simple.  Kind. Wise.

He wouldn't want me taking any more time sitting on my hands, sobbing.  He would want me to get up, take a breath and move forward.  So that is what I'm trying to do.  One day at a time.

Dad, if you can 'hear' this.  I love you!  And I promise to do everything I can to chase my dreams, catch the sunrise, soak in the sunsets, dance in the moonlight, hug my loved ones, help others, share my talents and serve the Lord.   You did all of these things well.  I so miss you.  xx