Are you in there?

Well, its been over 2 months since Dad died.  Much of which has been an emotional blur.  I finally feel like I can function again. After spending some time on an anti-depressant...which only led me to feeling so numb I couldn't cry at all...I am now off everything and seeing where I settle.

Panic attacks woke me 2-3 times a night for the first month.  The discomfort of them just made me more weary and brought them on harder and more frequently.  I'm finally free of that cycle.  They only happen occasionally.

I still cry.  Every day.  But the tears now come when I'm 'ambushed' by something instead of a constant sea.  A song.  A card.  A photo.  A smell.  A memory.  My brother told me today that they call this an 'ambush'.  A fleeting moment or thought that brings on an attack of hot tears and a bleeding heart.

I think I've aged a good 10 years in 2 months.  Can't seem to get enough sleep.  Or water.  Yet I am not 'together' enough to really get either of them sufficiently.

But the pain is moving and changing.  I feel the shift from being in denial to the edge of acceptance.  It still feels like he's just down the road....but that road is now golden.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and realize I'm still in there.  This shell of a body that masks my weeping soul.  I'm still in there.  I am starting to surface.

I still talk to him.  I still share with him.  More now than when he was here...because I feel like he is always accessible.  Always there.

The book 'Heaven' describes things such that you don't lose sight of whats going on here when you're in heaven.  You don't lose your compassion.  Being with Jesus is a joy beyond any we'll know here...so it doesn't distract you from that splendor.  But you are able to see.  You are able to pray for people.  You are able to feel for them.

I had a dream about my dad a few weeks back.  Although the scenario was whacky and clearly a dream, one thing was very, very real.  Dad hugged me.  He was behind me, wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe.  It was like he didn't want to let go.  It almost scared me as I had (for a moment) forgot that he was gone and I was wondering what was wrong.  I woke up...skin glistening and heart racing.  Another panic attack.  But the hug....it was SO REAL.  I could FEEL him.  He was right there!  I was sleeping on my side...it was like he snuggled right up there with me. His soul on my back.  His arms wrapping me tight.  His hands....clasped.  The love...indescribable.

I know he's dancing in heaven.  I know he's close by.  My tears still fall.  The ache still raw.

I have a life ahead of me.  Full of purpose.  Full of adventure.  Full of beauty and tremendous blessings.  My little family, already a tremendous blessing.  They are helping me so much.  I look at these boys...I'm humbled.  What a gift to see them every day.

My dad lived large. Full, yet soft. A thrill seeker. A relationship nurturer.  Simple.  Kind. Wise.

He wouldn't want me taking any more time sitting on my hands, sobbing.  He would want me to get up, take a breath and move forward.  So that is what I'm trying to do.  One day at a time.

Dad, if you can 'hear' this.  I love you!  And I promise to do everything I can to chase my dreams, catch the sunrise, soak in the sunsets, dance in the moonlight, hug my loved ones, help others, share my talents and serve the Lord.   You did all of these things well.  I so miss you.  xx