My dad passed over on December 28th. It was unexpected...in a way. We had a month's notice that he was ill. But none of us anticipated saying goodbye so quickly and abruptly.
Don't know that I've really moved past denial. I still talk about him sometimes in the present tense. I look at photos and can still 'feel' him and none of this...any of it...feels real.
Tears fall. Every day. I seem to have a never ending supply. They ran like rivers, then streams. Then I dried up from what I'm guessing was dehydration. That cycle continues.. Thought after the services life would get easier...that I would get back to 'norm' and I would be able to function. I would find my smile. I would be able to think of him without it feeling like someone was standing on my chest.
No luck.
But the pain and tears....are just testament to his life. His love. My love for him. And I realize now, more than ever, how precious he was. How much he gave us. How blessed we were to have him. God gave us amazing parents. The older I get and more I learn about life, the more I realize this and am so very thankful. It spurs me on to try to be that for my kids. To give to them the way love was poured into me.
I realized that I had to smile...for my kids. For my husband. For my extended family. Friends. Humanity. That even in the wake of grief, it is ok to be happy. Its nothing to be guilty over...to feel happy when I'm sad. Finn gets SO concerned when I cry. He has a deep heart. He feels everything I feel and its hard to hide my pain from him.
He held my hand, touched my thigh, rubbed my back through my dad's entire service. My seven year old....comforting me like he was 27. I have to be strong for him. He is too young to take on that role.
And Miles....who cries every time he sees me cry. His sweet little heart is not as aware of things happening. He's so jazzed all the time....loves life. I don't think he notices if I cry behind his back. He doesn't feel it the way Finn does. But if he sees it....he cries with me. As if the ache is even harder for him. It breaks my heart even more.
I read "Proof of Heaven" and I just started "Heaven." They're helping. Both share the vision of how we are still connected. God reigns over all....heaven, hell and humanity here. So makes sense that heaven is tied to us...that at any given time, they can access or see us. This idea gives me comfort. "Heaven" describes heaven through scriptures. Its really moving....as the author describes heaven as an earth with no sin. Could you imagine? I try....and it makes my hair stand on end.
We bought land in CO a few years ago. We're hoping to break ground this spring, God willing. We'll have 35 acres of 'heaven'. Where we can view the sunrise and sunset. We can climb to the top of the butte and feel His majesty. I think more, now, more than anything...I look forward to feeling closer to 'heaven' so I can feel closer to Dad. God amazes me on how he writes our stories...he knew all along. He knew I'd need this.
Christmas day my dad told me how he just wanted to get through his chemo treatments so he would be well enough to get on a plane and come see my property in CO. See the home under construction. He gave us his blessing.
He was always good about that...giving me the encouragement I needed. He knew I was hesitant to build with his diagnosis. Now, more than ever, I want to be there. I want him to 'see' it. To see us. Carrying on his legacy.
The pain is so heavy. I can't bare the thought of carrying it the rest of my life. My first love has gone on. And part of me left with him.
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