Its time...

There were times when I'd get busy with work, life, kids and such and my dad would be traveling, busy himself.  A month would pass, maybe 6 weeks at the most.  We wouldn't see each other.

But its been three months since he passed.

Its really hitting me....the finality of this.  He isn't going to call.  He isn't going to see us.  He isn't coming back.  He's really gone.

I've been busy.  Too busy.  I jam pack my days from morning till bed...running non-stop to the point where I don't even have time to play with my kids.  Think.  Pray.  Breathe.

My patience has been thin.  I"m irritated easily.  I snap....too often.  My kids have not had much fun on their spring breaks....I've been too busy.  Too angry.  Too self-involved.

As much as I have been fighting all of this and KNOW I need to change.  Immediately.  I have not found a way to shake this funk I'm in.  Wasn't until tonight, as I listened to past sermons I missed at church that it hit me....

I'm in the anger phase of grieving.

This weekend we celebrate the best holiday there is....Easter.  The promise of heaven.  God ROSE FROM THE DEAD.  He ASCENDED into heaven.  We will too, if we believe.  That promise has kept me going the last three months.

This Sunday, however, we will pack up our family and go to my dad's house for our annual egg hunt and family dinner.  Papa won't be there to greet us.  He won't hug us and chuckle in delight.  He won't lead our family before dinner in an explanation of the importance of the holiday....then pray.  He won't be driving the tractor for rides through the woods.

Part of me is thrilled its Easter....without Easter he would just be gone.  A vapor.  A corpse in the ground.  But Jesus paid the price for all of us.  And I know, with ever fiber of my being, that Dad is with him in heaven.  He will be with us on Sunday.  Always.

Part of me aches...and is angry.  Its been 3 long months....  I haven't seen my dad.  And I'm not going to.  My kids aren't going to know him as well as I wished they would.  He won't see our new home.  Our property.  He won't know that I loved what he gave us in his property/woods/legacy so much that I am recreating it with our family.  That he inspired me....and I want my home to be one of comfort and joy.  Full of people who we can encourage with our faith.  I hope our grocery bill (from entertaining) is our largest monthly expense.  Dad was always so gracious with hospitality.

Lord, thank you.  Thank you for your sacrifice.  Thank you for Easter.  For the resurrection and promise of eternal life.  Thank you for taking my dad with you in heaven before he suffered any more here.  Lord, thank you for loving us.  Please forgive me for my anger....pour your peace over my soul and seep into my heart.  Let me praise you this weekend for your amazing gift and not mourn our loss.  Amen.