365

On the eve of one year.  Like having a child and life gifted to us from heaven, there are no words for the loss, as well.  Its a quiet cross you carry.  Sometimes God will carry it for you and you will have a moment when you can laugh, breathe and life seems like it used to be.  But most times...its a cross.  Like a blister or an open sore...

Always on your mind.
Always in your awareness.
Always heavy on your heart.

Each day this year has been different.  In so many ways.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.  I'd guess there have been a few that I didn't cry....but many (most) I did.  I've learned that crying isn't all that bad.  Its healing.

Sometimes its a silent tear dropping as I doze off to sleep, hear a song in the car, see something that reminds me of him.

Other times its as heavy as the day it happened.  And I weep....like a baby.

I've been told to move on or keep my chin up.  Yes, life must go on.  And I imagine that if we let our grief hinder our living, it can be a tricky thing.

This year we sold our house, moved cross country, then again into our new home.  Left our church.  Left our amazing community of friends and neighbors.  I left my thriving business to start over.  Shane has traveled back and forth to keep his going.  It has been a huge year of transitions, changes and leaps of faith.

So I will and have moved on.  I carry him with me.  I napped in his work jacket on Christmas day and can smell the hints of his tractor fuel on the sleeves as I type this.  He's with me.

I keep his picture close by on my desk.  It helps to see his smile.  I can only imagine how big he's smiling up there.

And just the week before Christmas I had a vivid dream of him.  Sledding on the hill with all of us.  Laughing, giggling.  I just stood there...taking every breath as slowly as I could...soaking it in.

The angel came and told him that he had to go...he said he didn't get to dance with me yet.  He came over and we swayed....but it was like a barrier between us...I couldn't touch him.

The angel said, again, it was time to go and started to walk away with him.  He turned around, saw me there...and so no!  That wasn't a real dance!  He ran back, swept me up in his arms and spun me around so swiftly that my feet floated.  His smile so bright.  His laugh so sweet.

I woke up and cried for a good hour.  Best gift.  EVER.

Everyone deals with their grief differently.  But I believe they can send us messages.  Through dreams, nature, sunsets.  There have been a handful of times that I definitely felt his presence.  His love.

Twice through the building process, when I was at the house by myself, I had a hummingbird randomly fly right up and almost hit me square in the nose.  He loved hummingbirds.  I call that a message.  : )

I know he prays for all of us.  I have seen his blessings repeatedly.  His legacy has lived on.

His church named their annual 5k race after him.  The small town where he started his business had our family light the tree in their annual Christmas celebration.  So many express their gratitude for knowing him and all he gave.  My kids still miss him and talk about him like he was just here.

365 days tomorrow evening.  The call.  The drop of my heart.  The tears.  The trembling.  The sweaty palms.

He held on till we all arrived at the hospital.  Which given we were at a Cavs game in Cleveland...and had to drive to Akron through post-game traffic, I felt very blessed to be there in time.  We held hands, prayed.  Just moments later the nurse came in to tell us he wasn't going to make it.

The shock.  The devastation.  The goodbyes.

The emptiness.  The fountain of tears.  The nightmares.  The night sweats.

Life goes on.

I am so thankful for Jesus and the promise of eternal life.  More now than ever.

That day...the hole Dad left in our lives seemed vast and unending.  But God fills it up.  Every time the hole pulls open again, God fills it back up.  He is the amazing bridge between us.  The connection....forever.  Heaven & Earth.  I imagine two circles overlapping...  Praise!

We have all learned to grow past the haunting memories of his departure and focus on the love.

Over 550 people at his wake.  Over a 2 hour wait to give a hug.  Clients, friends, family.  So many...so much love.  I was exhausted and emotionally wrecked...but that day is clear.  I wanted to vividly remember every life he touched enough to stand there...to come through the line...to hug us.

My friend from Cleveland who had just finished chemo....stood and waited.  My uncle from NC drove over six hours to be there a few hours, to give us his love.  My pregnant girlfriend...7 months along.  Friends from High School that I hadn't seen in ages.  Neighbors, church friends, photography clients that came in scrubs after working a 12 hour shift at the hospital....stood and waited.

Humbled.  So humbled.  So very thankful.

The church...filled on a Monday morning.  Four (yes four!) priests conducting his service.  His final tractor ride to lay his body to rest.  My friend with her brand new baby came...humbled.

Dinners brought by so many of my friends and neighbors when I couldn't even think about food.

Thank you...and thank you, again, to all who were there for us and continue to be.

Its been a big year of a lot of firsts.  I'm sad that I'll miss the family gathering tomorrow night at his house.  Laughter and tears will be shared, I'm sure.  Balm to the broken hearted.

I really thought we'd have more time with you.  At least 10 years.  So whoever takes the time to read this...squeeze your loved ones.  I wouldn't say I have regrets...they are more like longings.  Longings that I would've made the time to do more with him.  Picked up the phone more.  Not been so caught up on the little things...and just dove in and made more memories.

I've had friends share how fortunate I am to have such a great dad.  Some friends have lost dads and it was painful in different ways.  I am humbled and beyond thankful for him.  I don't know why we were blessed to be in his family, but my gratitude runs deep.

Thank you for being there.  For always hugging us.  Always reaching out and caring.  For making the effort.  For encouraging.  For smiling.  For loving.  We are all blessed beyond measure by having you in our lives!

Your legacy lives on, dad.  You will never be forgotten.  I carry you with me every day and tuck away all the gems you taught us by living your life so well.

Part of my heart went up with you to heaven!  I love you!

I'm forever honored to be your daughter. xo

His final tractor ride...

And the wagon full of kids on the way down....kicked into high gear just like he would love. : )

Giving Thanks

I would love to sleep....but sleep escapes me these days.  My mind twirls and whirls with the countless lists I have going.  Memories.  Hopes & Dreams. You name it.  Its like laying my head on the pillow prompts my mind to visit my next two months schedule, double check homework and school projects, plan meals, grocery lists, map out my business goals for next year, etc.  Oh...and tackle 5 things on my Pinterest boards.

Won't bore you with my list of chores, responsibilities and adventures spread over the next six weeks....but I will simply say that each day feels like a marathon.

I'm

E
X
H
A
U
S
T
E
D

...but in a good way.  A happy way.  A "I see the end in sight" way.

There are still so many unknowns in our journey.  And I'm borderline exhausted in a grumpy, frustrated, self-pitying way.  But a big part of our transition will wrap up soon.  I'm so thankful.  Its been a long 5+ months.  Praying that by the time we hit the new year, life will feel very different than it has this year.

So today (being Tuesday before Thanksgiving) marks the day I got the call from my dad sharing that his labs came back showing lymphoma.  We had no idea that in 33 days we'd (not) say goodbye.  We wouldn't get the chance.  By the time we were called back to see him at the hospital, he was gone.

December was full of doctor appointments, scans, consults, research, worry and despair.

The holiday season didn't feel much like it used to.  It felt scary.  I had a pit in my stomach and a heavy heart all month.

But it was also full of hope.  Of grace.  Of comfort in knowing that no matter what....even if the 'worst' happened (and in our small perspective that consists only of this world, it did)...we would see him again.  Praise be to God.

God carried us through....and continues to still do so.

As I approach this day of giving thanks....I am thankful for so many things.  Mostly....I am thankful for the promise that I get to see my dad again.  And all the other family that we lost in the last year....good grief has my family been hit hard.  So much sadness this year...

Yet every funeral turns into a celebration of family and life.  We gather.  We support.  We comfort.  We pray.

So aside from God's immeasurable gift of salvation and eternity with him (and each other...yay!), I am thankful for family.

My little guy keeps asking to trim a tree.  We did this with my dad Thanksgiving weekend last year.  I made a pretty brunch, set a fancy table and served a yummy meal....then we trimmed the tree.  It stayed up till March....couldn't bare to take it down.

Little does my child know we may not even get to one this year.  We're moving, again....soon.  Who knows what this Christmas will look like, but I know this....it will be memorable.  Even if that means a frozen pizza and Christmas carols over a game of Uno.

And soon after the glorious day is passed....hopefully my guilt of not fulfilling his heartbroken request to decorate a tree in Papa's memory will escape me.  Honestly, not sure if I have it in me to face the emotions of a tree on top of everything else we have going on.  We'll see....

December 28th will be a year.  I may just run away that day.  Find a quiet place to myself and bawl my eyes out for the umpteenth time this year.

I remember having a GNO before I left Ohio.  The conversation turned to trying to remember the last time each of us cried.  Well....that was a no-brainer for me.  EVERY DAY.  Yep...took me till around July (and moving....thus my life being thrown every direction) to get distracted enough that the tears only came a couple days a week.  Now...maybe once a week (or twice, or every day ; ).  Seriously....I have no control.  It can be embarrassing.

And no...there is nothing wrong with me.  I had a great BIG love for my dad....and it takes a great BIG cry (over and over) to face his absence.  Its not unhealthy.  I'm not looney tunes.  And I won't hear it from anyone if you try to tell me otherwise.

I'm thankful for the doors God has opened for us.   And the ones He closed.  Goodness....if Dad were here right now, he'd be suffering most likely.  Maybe rallying a bit....to get through one more season of holidays.  But his illness was a nasty one.  It would've destroyed him before long.  We were spared the anguish of watching him deteriorate.  Thank you, Lord, for closed doors.  Even when we scream at you for shutting them.

I am thankful for our health....and thankful that the loved ones we lost, didn't suffer (at least not long).  Praise Him for having mercy.

I am thankful for the countless distractions I've had....as it has forced me to stay focused on moving forward and living life.  When I'd most likely crawl in a ball and spend most of my time grieving, otherwise.

I'm thankful that I haven't suffered a huge loss like this before age 38.  This year has rocked me...but many go through this at much younger years.  I am blessed.

I'm thankful that Finn had a friend from school invite us over tonight for a play/movie date.  My once so shy guy is making friends and finding his way. Praise!  And praise again.  Nothing sweeter to this momma's heart than to see him planting new roots.  My creature of habit and resister of change is getting settled here.  All six of his school buddies are coming to his birthday party on Friday...praise and praise again. : )  Love my Finn.

I am thankful that Miles has a tender heart.  And even tho he cries on the drop of a dime (like his mother), he loves BIG too.  His unexpected "I want to snuggle" and "I need a kiss and hug" comments can instantly bring me back to a happy place no matter what my stress level.  His blues eyes and rosy cheeks melt me...love him so.

I am thankful for my babe.  Working hard.  Making big sacrifices.  And always keeping me in check....as I get WAY too serious about things and he reminds me to be a goofball, laugh and dance with him in the kitchen as I cook dinner (saying....its good for the kids to see us love each other, then dip me for a kiss).  He loves me like no one else.  I'm blessed by that.  He is truly my best friend...and 10 short years ago I would've thought I was headed for missionary work and celibacy the rest of my life.  Never thought I'd find him and yet here we are...

So this Thanksgiving will look different for us.  But I'm thankful for the friends who are hosting us since our home is still not ready.  They are like family....and will soon be our neighbors.  So excited to share many memories with them this weekend...and years to come.

I'm thankful that my brother, Dave, will be here and I was able to see my brother, Tom, last week on a business trip.  I'm SUPER thankful for my rockin' mom who flew in to watch the kids while I went on the business trip.  And even more thankful she'll soon be here to stay.

I am thankful for our wild schedule and crazy life. Who needs to pack for moving when the slopes are calling us?!  Skiing it is this weekend...making memories is far more important that boxing belongings.  Thankful for lifetime friends who will be meeting us up there.  He's like a 4th brother to me...such a blessing to have such close friends who know you as well as your cousins.

I am thankful for God.  That he loves me and forgives me and leads me and teaches me.  I pray that I can spend enough time with Him (in prayer) over the holidays that I carry His peace in my heart.  Go with the flow.  Take each day as it comes.  (which is darn near impossible for this girl)

Pray you, too, find the roots of what you're thankful for.  I pray you enjoy your family....crazy bunch or not....because we all could use more compassion and grace.  And when you lose 4 close family members in a years time....you realize how short of time we all have together. As my awesome cousin puts it....we're all on loan.

So with all that said....

I'm

Giving thanks.
Giving love.
Giving praise.

xo
Laura

Home Stetch

This time of year I'm usually grasping for a finish line of photoshoots, editing and Christmas Card delivery.  Only to drop into Christmas cookies, shopping and wrapping.  Trying to maintain a balance of purpose and culture.  Heaven and Earth.  The home stretch....  Racing through holidays that were meant to be anything BUT a race.

Even tho I'm not working just yet...we are still super busy with everything that needs done and my husbands long commutes for work leave me doing it solo most of each month.

But its November 10th.  Thanksgiving is around the corner.  Soon we will revel in the birth of our Savior.

All will be calm.
All will be bright.

This fall brought lots of firsts for us.  First time I missed my dad's Halloween party in years.  First fall after spending last year visiting pumpkin farms, taking tractor rides and frolicking in leaf piles at his house.  First fall in CO...missing the one season in Ohio that I truly treasured.  Nothing like the damp, crisp smell of fallen leaves.

But Christ makes all things new.  New experiences.  Unchartered territory.  Twist without warning.  Only through Him can I face things with confidence, peace, and most all....strength.

I've noticed a repeated pattern in my life.  Busy-ness....distraction, to-do lists, meetings, obligations, chores.  When I get wrapped up in the days and lose site of opening my Bible and sitting....

Quietly.
Till calm falls down from above.

Then I become a crazed, frazzled, self-centered, hypochondriac who only looks for more things to add to my already overflowing days.

Morning...prayer before reaching for my phone.  Workout...the body is a temple.  Scripture...set my mind to Christ and take my mind off me.

Its simple, actually.
Only takes a moment.

Yet when I miss those important parts of my day....train wreck. And I am guilty and ashamed to admit that recently, I've barely done this at all.

I hope that you find peace as we approach Thanksgiving.  Peace in Christ.  Peace in your hearts.  Peace in your homes.

Nothing is worse that running through the holidays and feeling exhausted.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.  To give thanks.  To give to others.  To practice gratitude.  To share our light, our love and our words of thanks to the ones we love.

Then Christmas.  We will most likely be moving {again} sometime in December.  We're in the home stretch.  Thus who knows what Christmas will look like for us this year.

Part of me frets...what if I don't get to put up a tree, if the gifts don't get wrapped, if the cookies don't get baked?!

But the blessing comes in the moments spent eating reheated pizza, sipping rootbeers and popping in Elf and The Christmas Carol while we pile on each other on the couch.  Our kids will remember us playing games more than any gift they open, right?!  So why fret?

Life will be wild the next few months....as our transition continues.  But I am making my pledge now to do these 3 simple things to try to stay focused on the true meaning of our celebrations.  To let go of my expectations of what the holidays 'should' look like and embrace whatever they may be.

1) I will get the rest I need.  No sense pushing till a point of exhaustion, frustration and impatience.  If momma ain't happy....nobody's happy.  ; )  And rest = happy most days for this girl.
2) I will wake with prayer and read at least one Bible verse a day to reflect on and set my heart on Christ.  I will look at my children through His eyes of wonder instead of my tired eyes of schedules, homework and chores.
3) I will maintain a steady discipline of exercise...even if its a long walk with the kids.  Something to keep the stress at bay and the pounds away. : )

What are your pledges going into this beautiful holiday season?  How will you prepare your heart?

Wishing you all a very merry Thanksgiving and a grateful Christmas. xo

Transition

People leap for many reasons.  Jobs, careers, illness, pregnancies, marriages.  Leaping is huge walk a faith.  This summer, we took a leap.  A huge one.  Although we're still not completely settled, we've made it through a lot.

Why did we leap?  People constantly ask me and I stumble at my response.  Trying to explain that we left family, thriving businesses (which Shane is still commuting to run), and a beautiful community of amazing friends....I suddenly don't know what to say!?

Mostly I say....because we love it here.  Life is short.  There are no guarantees.

What is comfort?  What is regret?  What is worth more?  What weighs heavier on our souls?  We leapt for fear of what we'd miss if we stayed where we were.

Have you heard Madonna's song, Jump?  "I'm not afraid of what I'll face, but I'm afraid to stay..."  That pretty much sums up how I felt about leaving Ohio.  Something that has been in me...a calling I could never explain.

Family is there....both sides.  Beautiful home, the BEST neighbors you could ever ask for.  It was not easy, by any means.  Many tears.  Many heartaches.  I miss my family and friends so much!!!  It is terrifying.  It if full of unknowns and insecurities.  But, I felt a pull.  I felt a call.  I felt, with every fiber of my being, that we were to be in CO....sooner rather than later.  God is yet to show us why.  Our adventure is just beginning....but I am certain there will be purpose.

I lived in CO 10 years ago.  Left to see where my love for Shane would lead me.  I felt the 'pull' then too....but it was to go back to my roots.  God blessed me with a happy marriage and two beautiful boys (and another beautiful boy of Shane's).  Our family grew up with the support, love and building of relationships with our extended family in the area.  A firm foundation.  Relationships established.  Like the ones with my dad....who died (ugh....I really hate saying that) last December.

You see, God knew we needed to be in Ohio to establish all of those relationships.  He knew my dad's story.  And there he went...writing the perfect timing of everything.  Not that my dad's (what I think is) early departure is perfect in my eyes....but I know it is in God's.  And the fact that we got to enjoy him....healthy, playing and smiling all the way up to the end, that is a HUGE blessing.  The fact that we didn't move, then he got sick....blessing.  We were there.  We loved.  We laughed.  We grieved...and and continue to do so.

Miles last memory of Papa is decorating our Christmas tree Thanksgiving weekend.  Finn's last memory is beating him at Battleship the week after that.  Smiles, laughter, hugs and love where exchanged.  They'll have that forever.  Amen.

So I wanted to write a blog to share ALL of the AMAZING ways God helped us through this transition thus far.  To give Him the GLORY.  To share how I see God's hand in every day, little things...even amidst trials and challenges.  His Glory and Blessings always shine through.  Its our choice to see them and hang on to them.  I pray that I will ALWAYS hang on to them...even in the darkest of days.

Last September my Uncle Carl came to Ohio for a visit.  Being diagnosed with kidney cancer earlier in the year, I asked to take photos of him in my studio.  We did.  I cherish them.  He is still doing great! :)  Praise!  I think God knew I could not handle losing my dad and UCAT (who has been like a father to me) at the same time.  It was hard enough losing my Aunt Billy (another close relative) a month before Dad.  Rough holiday season last year....

After he left, I thought....I haven't even done this for my own parents.  What am I waiting for?  So my dad came up with Joyce the following week and we took photos of them together, individually and with my boys in my studio.  I got busy with fall and didn't have time to squeeze in my mom/Shane's parents.  (and now I'm a bit scared, to be honest, to take photos of them....as if my denial has any power of keeping them here as long as I want ; )

We went to the pumpkin farm with Dad and Joyce in October.  I took LOTS of pics.  I even took videos of my dad with the boys....jumping in leaf piles, tractor rides and train whistles, swings in the woods.  Memories they will cherish...and so will I.  November came his diagnosis.  We trimmed the tree.  December were scans, appts and test.  Chemo started.  He did AMAZINGLY well and came home for Christmas.  I got to spend a couple hours with him Christmas day.   Saw him for a minute on Sat...dropped off the boys Christmas gifts they made/bought for him (and he text'd back thank you's to them).  Sunday afternoon...Pulmonary Embolism.  In a matter of hours....gone.  Rocked our family to the core.

But you see...I have professional photos of him!  We had a recent, beautiful image to use for his obituary.  I have videos of him with the boys.  Every year when we trim the tree, we will think of him & honor him.  I fully believe the Holy Spirit led me to capture all of those moments that I now cherish beyond belief!

We had hired our builder in September.  By December we were questioning whether we should move forward (given my dad's questionable health).  But Christmas day Dad told me he wanted to see the house...even if under construction.  So we moved forward.  God knew...we only had 3 days left.  Even tho my hesitant heart was full of uncertainty of moving forward and moving west with his future unknown....God knew I'd need this distraction to keep me busy and walk me through the grief.

Had I not been distracted with the gazillion questions that need answered about the house, I'm sure I would not be grieving the same.  I still cry...just about every day.  But I'm busy.  God knew I would need busy.

I came out to CO in May to oversee the staking of the house....be sure it was where we wanted it.  Big deal before they go digging/pouring footers.  CO had record rain falls in May.  I'd never seen anything like it.  It POURED from the time I got there, on....and I was only in for 2 1/2 days.  In Monday, Tuesday staking, out Weds.

I prayed & prayed that Monday night.  At 7300 elevation (house site) you are IN the clouds when it rains and you cannot see more than 100 ft away, let alone to see if the house is angled how you want it.

Poured all Tuesday morning.  The company even asked to reschedule.  We pushed though.  I stopped and grabbed coffee for the guys.  Headed to the property.  Stopped at our friends to borrow mud boots.  As I left their house and drove to the lot, the rain stopped.  The clouds lifted and the sun even peeked out for a minute.  The forecast was 100% chance of rain!!!  It stayed dry the whole time we were there.  Amazing grace!!

When my builder got out of her car she said...."You must have been praying REALLY hard!!!"  : )

God showed up.  Every time I drive to that lot I cry about my dad.  I feel him there and I miss him so very much.  He never got to see it.  So its a very emotional place for me.  I bawled like a baby.  I felt his presence sitting next to me in the car.  I know he prays for us up there!

The last month I was in Ohio I had 14 photoshoots.  I try not to book anymore than 6-8 a month.  Between my mom responsibilities, Shane's office work, my business....its the fine line between crazy and 'losing-it' momma.  So to have 14....insanity.  On top of trying to process all the emotions of leaving and selling things, packing, organizing.  Complete chaos and emotional instability.  But...blessing.  I was too busy to really emotionally dive into what was happening.  And it was extra cash for the moving expenses....blessing.

We had the house on the market since April and had aggressively been dropping the price.  No luck.  I was moving end of June no matter what.  The house here was going to be framed and the builder needed me here to answer questions, oversee, etc.  We were really hoping it would sell before I left.

Morning of Friday, 6/19th I woke up and felt a blanket of warmth and love like I've never felt before fall over me.  I didn't even get out of bed....I just laid there and enjoyed it.  Those moments....I feel are either God/an angel in my presence....or my dad.  So I didn't dare move.

When I finally sat up I had the thought 'pop' in my head (which I feel is the Holy Spirit) saying...."we're going to sell your house today."

We had an open house that Sunday so it was totally possible to have an offer come in from one of the families through.

Let me paint the scene....kids had VBC and we're rushing to get out the door for church.  Dishes from last night and breakfast in the sink.  My dirty jammies (and who knows what else) on the bathroom floor.  Bed unmade.  Toilet paper package thrown at the bottom of the stairs to go up later (right in front of the front door).  Wedding rings laying out.  Completely chaotic and crazy....I was still working, packing, selling....and my house was a reflection of being pulled in a million directions.

Driving to church I get a call for a showing.  At 11am.  I wouldn't be home till 12:30!!!!

Had I NOT heard that 'voice' that morning I most certainly would've said NO WAY!!!  But I kindly warned them of the current state of the house and approved the showing.

Nothing stolen.  Went well.  Very interested.

Huh?

Gentlemen that was widowed with 3 boys was the potential buyer.  My house probably felt very much like home. : ))  Only God would know that!!!

And on July 24th, we closed.  Just one week after Shane drove our stuff to CO and we settled into our apartment.  Coincidence....impossible.  Divine intervention.  Amen!

In the midst of closing the house (while under contract) we had to replace the thermostat, hot water tank, amongst other additional things that later came up on the inspection list.  It was, BY FAR, an easy transaction.  It was one disaster after another.  The realtor even said it was a difficult transaction.  God does not hand us everything on a silver platter...but there was blessing and perfect timing.

I packed the house (mostly by myself) while our kids played with my mom.  We had several friends show up with meals...even GF for Shane.  HUGE.  HUGE blessing!  Food was the last thing on my mind.

Our close friends, and neighbors, let us stay at their house the last few nights while we were loading the trailers....bringing some calm and normalcy to our kids in midst of taking everything they had ever known apart.  Not to mention, we could just walk across the lawn and fall into bed.

The day we loaded the trailer, my brother Tom came and organized/managed everything.  Shane & I were both in tears that morning....overwhelmed by emotion, stress and exhaustion.  Tom was an ANGEL  and we would've never been able to do it alone.  God bless him!!

My mom watched the kids overnight that night as she knew we worked all day and were beside ourselves trying to get everything left lingering in the house, done.  God bless her!!

Did I mention the morning after we loaded the truck we had a showing?!  And another that evening?! So while we unloaded the house I was dusting, vacuuming and cleaning for the showings in case we needed a back up offer.

God does not lay down a red carpet....but he does give you opportunity.  We always push as hard as we can to keep up with those!!  lol  But it was really digging DEEP to pull off those last two showings.

Oh....and the week I packed the house, both boys came down with fevers for 2 days each.  They wanted to lay on the couch/snuggle....but the couch was sold.  The house was packed and their mom was far from a place to sit and snuggle.  But my mom did....blessing.

My niece, Madi, rode with the boys, dog & I out to CO.  I don't know what I would've done without her extra set of hands, support and company.  I will always cherish & appreciate that time with her.

We needed to be in CO (framing beginning) but our apartment wouldn't be ready for 2 wks.  Another lovely obstacle.

Our friends who live down the street from the new house said....we're going to Denmark to visit family, the house will be empty....why don't you just stay there?!  We moved into our apartment the day they came home.  Coincidence?!  Divine Intervention.

So I cleaned the apartment when I got the keys.  I cleaned their house after.  I stocked their fridge with some basic and stocked ours....then cooked dinner for everyone when the boys arrived with the trailer.  Easy, no...the boys & I worked hard to pull it all off, but what a huge blessing!

Back to Madi....our 24 hours drive out west....no major construction.  No major storms.  We were safe.  No blown tires.  No major set backs (aside from a bird hitting our windshield & getting jammed in the roof rack....ew!!!).  But even with that....God put a kind gentleman in the gas station we stopped at (the next state over) who bravely removed the bird from our roof.  Blessing!!

When Shane finally left from Ohio with the trailer (and my brother, Dave, nephew, Austin, and stepson, Hudson with) he didn't even cross the state border before a trailer tire blew.  Easy....no way.  Blessing...Walmart was RIGHT THERE and had not one, but FOUR new trailer tires to put on.  A few hours delay, but they were safely on the road and made it out then....and back without any more problems.  No major construction, no major storms.  Praise!

My brother, Dave, took a week off work to come out and help us.  Keeping Shane company on the way and helping us unload when they arrived.  Then rode all the way back with Shane, too....which I was SO VERY thankful Shane had company.  I don't know what we would've done without him!!  They basically came, had 3 days here (which we moved most of that time) and then turned & drove back!  Dave took time off work to do that?!  God bless him!!

After Shane left I was at the house one day, walking it with the builder and talking over things.  She explained that our house was on awesome soil.  100 ft away...our septic system was HUGE because of the clay soils.  Had those clay soils been under our house, we would've been looking at tremendous costs to stabilize the house under the foundation.  I started to cry and just raise my hand....thank you, God!!!  It would've blown our budget.

My niece left on 4th of July....little unsure of flying by herself back to Ohio (first time).  I get to the airport and explained the situation.  They gave me and the boys gate passes so we could walk her to the gate!!!  I didn't even have their id's....and I didn't think we'd be allowed!  Praise!!

The apartment was a referral from my dear friend, and mentor, Jennifer.  Not only did they have a short term lease (which I found very hard to find here) but they had one available when we needed it! Its perfect.  Its functional.  Its 5 minutes from the boys new school.  Praise!

When we left, we had Madi with us the first week, Shane & crew with us a week after that, then 4 days to organize before my mom came for 2 weeks, then Shane came back and was here for Miles birthday and start of school.  This is the first time we've been 'alone' since the move and the boys did AMAZINGLY well with all the transitions b/c of all our visitors!!  Praise!!

The boys were accepted into a great school here.  Smaller school, perfect fit for Finn.  We won't even be in the same county when we move (which they know) but we were able to get both boys enrolled....and they have waiting lists!  And it is tuition free....praise!!

We are in the Bible belt of the west.  Its not a matter of finding a church, its deciding which amazing church do we want to frequent/join?!  Praise!  And I was asked to rejoin the awesome group of girls I was with 10 years ago (when I lived here last) for Bible study again!!!

Back tracking a bit....when we were loading the trailer I bought several blankets from GoodWill to use (since we are storing just about everything till the house is done).  We ran out.  Without thinking I go to Uhaul and rent blankets in the chaos of loading everything into the trailers.

I arrive in CO a few days later and it hits me....the blankets are packed in trailers that will not be opened for months.  There is no way to return the blankets!!!  So I call Uhaul....hundreds of dollars to buy them. That's the best solution we came up with.  I thought....its ok, we didn't have to rent a truck, so this is a small thing to pay when moving cross country.

We drive down to the Uhaul store and I explain the situation to the guy at the counter.  He says....we'll just write them off as damaged and sell them to you for a $1 a piece.  (!!!!!)  Elated....Thank you!!!  Praise and Praise!!!

And back tracking further.  I went to Finn's school for 'Muffins with Mom' around Mother's day in May.  About a month before the move.  Someone walks up and asks how things are going and what date we're leaving.

A woman sitting across from me (never met before) says....I'm so sorry to interrupt/eaves drop....but do you need boxes?!  YES PLEASE!!!  She & her family just had a corporate move from AZ and had wardrobe boxes, packing paper, different sized boxes, everything!!!  I made multiple trips to her house and took everything she offered!  She was thrilled someone else was using them....I was thrilled I didn't have to buy boxes!!!  Praise and Praise again!!!

So the story continues....we see blessings and praises daily.  God connecting me with random people who are jump starting my career here.  The boys making friends at school and feeling settled within days of starting a completely new routine.  I could go on and on....

God is so good.  Even in the trials.  Even in the storms.  Even through sickness (just got news of two good friends having cancer this week which has my heart so heavy).  Even through grief.

Every day I count my blessings.  Its never easy....and challenges keep me on my knees.  Daily I pray and ache for all the hurt I have in my heart and see in this broken world.  But the Lord is faithful.

Look for your blessings.  Count them.  Use your talents He gave you.  Brighten the world!

It is prophesy....things will always get worse till Christ returns.  But there will always be blessings.  Little ones and big ones.  Praise God for his abundant blessings!  His faithfulness in storms.  His perfect will & timing....even when we can't see it.

I didn't want these precious memories to slip away without documentation.  Thank you for reading (if you made it this far : )!

Don't hesitate....take a leap.  Live every day as the gift it is.  My dad lived by these words...and I pray I will too.

I pray for each and every person who reads this...may God shower blessings on you today that you clearly see.  Hang on to those blessings....count them when the darkness comes.  Then you will always have a light.  Lots of love....Laura

Its time...

There were times when I'd get busy with work, life, kids and such and my dad would be traveling, busy himself.  A month would pass, maybe 6 weeks at the most.  We wouldn't see each other.

But its been three months since he passed.

Its really hitting me....the finality of this.  He isn't going to call.  He isn't going to see us.  He isn't coming back.  He's really gone.

I've been busy.  Too busy.  I jam pack my days from morning till bed...running non-stop to the point where I don't even have time to play with my kids.  Think.  Pray.  Breathe.

My patience has been thin.  I"m irritated easily.  I snap....too often.  My kids have not had much fun on their spring breaks....I've been too busy.  Too angry.  Too self-involved.

As much as I have been fighting all of this and KNOW I need to change.  Immediately.  I have not found a way to shake this funk I'm in.  Wasn't until tonight, as I listened to past sermons I missed at church that it hit me....

I'm in the anger phase of grieving.

This weekend we celebrate the best holiday there is....Easter.  The promise of heaven.  God ROSE FROM THE DEAD.  He ASCENDED into heaven.  We will too, if we believe.  That promise has kept me going the last three months.

This Sunday, however, we will pack up our family and go to my dad's house for our annual egg hunt and family dinner.  Papa won't be there to greet us.  He won't hug us and chuckle in delight.  He won't lead our family before dinner in an explanation of the importance of the holiday....then pray.  He won't be driving the tractor for rides through the woods.

Part of me is thrilled its Easter....without Easter he would just be gone.  A vapor.  A corpse in the ground.  But Jesus paid the price for all of us.  And I know, with ever fiber of my being, that Dad is with him in heaven.  He will be with us on Sunday.  Always.

Part of me aches...and is angry.  Its been 3 long months....  I haven't seen my dad.  And I'm not going to.  My kids aren't going to know him as well as I wished they would.  He won't see our new home.  Our property.  He won't know that I loved what he gave us in his property/woods/legacy so much that I am recreating it with our family.  That he inspired me....and I want my home to be one of comfort and joy.  Full of people who we can encourage with our faith.  I hope our grocery bill (from entertaining) is our largest monthly expense.  Dad was always so gracious with hospitality.

Lord, thank you.  Thank you for your sacrifice.  Thank you for Easter.  For the resurrection and promise of eternal life.  Thank you for taking my dad with you in heaven before he suffered any more here.  Lord, thank you for loving us.  Please forgive me for my anger....pour your peace over my soul and seep into my heart.  Let me praise you this weekend for your amazing gift and not mourn our loss.  Amen.

Believe

I don't know how many times I've heard the phrase...faith is all you need.

Good deeds are something that everyone strives to do, but faith...so long as you believe that Christ is the son of God and died for your sins....well, that is the cream to the pudding.

I'm currently studying James.  Chapter 2, verse 21 - 26 to be exact.  He's been leading up to this passage by asking for wisdom.  Finding perseverance through trials.  Not playing favorites.  If you want to know about 'right living', James is the place to be.  It is humbling and fulfilling.

But until today, I never really got it.  Maybe I still don't.  But I think I at least get a better glimpse of where he's going with all of this now.

He quotes the story of Abraham...how God calls him to sacrifice his son.  Abraham, with deep sorrow, takes his son up the hill, prepares the table....only to have God stop him at the last moment.  It was a test of faith.  Abraham passed.

I think about this myself...put myself in his shoes.  Not that I like this example by any means, but to think about the depth of faith that Abraham must have had in order to believe that in some way....through some angle, God would have something good come of his request.  To trust that it was the only thing to do.  To be willing to give up the one thing on earth he loved most.

That....that is amazing faith.

Not to twist this story into encouraging sick and demented minds to thinking this sort of thing should go on today....NO.

What I saw in this story was....BELIEF.  To be secure. Trusting.  Knowing.  Without a doubt...without a question.

How many times do I come across a path in life.  A decision.  A choice.

All day....every day.

How many times do I look to God for the direction.  The answer.  The voice.

Far less than I'd like to admit.

But in seeing this today....it made me realize the connection.  When you truly and deeply BELIEVE in God....you are filled with the Holy Spirit.  Those random 'thoughts' of kindness....yep, that's him.  But do we question them?  Do we follow them?  Even if its an inconvenience? Or do we follow our own selfish ambitions?

Having faith is enough.  Clearly...the sinner on the cross next to Jesus went to see paradise that day with him...just by saying, "I believe."  He didn't have the chance to do works.

But when you TRULY believe...works are not even a question.  When you are confident in the truth, you do not hesitate to move.  If I am truly listening to the thoughts of the Spirit, still enough to hear them, and KNOW the source...would I ever question listening?! Acting upon those thoughts?!

Ever since Dad died I have a different view of our life here on earth.  I see the picture from a wider lens, so to speak.  Heaven isn't so far away...after all, we're all governed by the same God.  I believe Dad can see us.  I believe he can pray for us.  I believe he can have compassion for our grief.  And in knowing he will be there waiting for me, I long now for heaven in a way I never did before.  I was always scared to leave my loved ones....but that view has now changed.  One of my closest loved ones is there.  We're not all that far apart.

So I then ask myself....when you do good deeds...what are your intentions behind them?  To feel good?  To look good?  To share with someone later what you did for someone else?  To expect it to be repaid eventually in return?

I believe that when you act on the Spirits nudge and do something good...it should only feel like you were doing something for God.  You will not have any ownership in it at all.  And if you're praised for it, you will give God the glory of giving you the idea.  You will walk away from the task with peace, but not pride.  It will feel good because of the service you did for the Lord, not for yourself.  You won't ponder on it, speak of it, dwell on it...you'll be busy moving on to your next calling.

We have a lot of unknowns in our future right now.  Lots of big questions, huge leaps and uncertainty around every bend.  There is HUGE room for failure.  There are slim margins.  Plenty of room for doubt and questions.  This year is a shift in our book.  Not just a new chapter, but taking on a new plot.  Only through Christ will we be ready for the leap.

It is in Christ that I find peace.  In Christ that I found comfort.  In Christ that I find direction, wisdom and answers....or protection in closed doors.  I can feel the change.  I can feel the movement.  I don't know where the current will take us....but we are on a ride.

I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us....His plan is ALWAYS beyond my wildest dreams and FAR surpasses anything I could ever do on my own.

May my heart fully, entirely and confidently BELIEVE.  Rest in my faith.  In His arms.  Acting only on the thoughts of the Spirit.  Giving God the Glory all along.  It is a daily surrender...

Are you in there?

Well, its been over 2 months since Dad died.  Much of which has been an emotional blur.  I finally feel like I can function again. After spending some time on an anti-depressant...which only led me to feeling so numb I couldn't cry at all...I am now off everything and seeing where I settle.

Panic attacks woke me 2-3 times a night for the first month.  The discomfort of them just made me more weary and brought them on harder and more frequently.  I'm finally free of that cycle.  They only happen occasionally.

I still cry.  Every day.  But the tears now come when I'm 'ambushed' by something instead of a constant sea.  A song.  A card.  A photo.  A smell.  A memory.  My brother told me today that they call this an 'ambush'.  A fleeting moment or thought that brings on an attack of hot tears and a bleeding heart.

I think I've aged a good 10 years in 2 months.  Can't seem to get enough sleep.  Or water.  Yet I am not 'together' enough to really get either of them sufficiently.

But the pain is moving and changing.  I feel the shift from being in denial to the edge of acceptance.  It still feels like he's just down the road....but that road is now golden.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and realize I'm still in there.  This shell of a body that masks my weeping soul.  I'm still in there.  I am starting to surface.

I still talk to him.  I still share with him.  More now than when he was here...because I feel like he is always accessible.  Always there.

The book 'Heaven' describes things such that you don't lose sight of whats going on here when you're in heaven.  You don't lose your compassion.  Being with Jesus is a joy beyond any we'll know here...so it doesn't distract you from that splendor.  But you are able to see.  You are able to pray for people.  You are able to feel for them.

I had a dream about my dad a few weeks back.  Although the scenario was whacky and clearly a dream, one thing was very, very real.  Dad hugged me.  He was behind me, wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe.  It was like he didn't want to let go.  It almost scared me as I had (for a moment) forgot that he was gone and I was wondering what was wrong.  I woke up...skin glistening and heart racing.  Another panic attack.  But the hug....it was SO REAL.  I could FEEL him.  He was right there!  I was sleeping on my side...it was like he snuggled right up there with me. His soul on my back.  His arms wrapping me tight.  His hands....clasped.  The love...indescribable.

I know he's dancing in heaven.  I know he's close by.  My tears still fall.  The ache still raw.

I have a life ahead of me.  Full of purpose.  Full of adventure.  Full of beauty and tremendous blessings.  My little family, already a tremendous blessing.  They are helping me so much.  I look at these boys...I'm humbled.  What a gift to see them every day.

My dad lived large. Full, yet soft. A thrill seeker. A relationship nurturer.  Simple.  Kind. Wise.

He wouldn't want me taking any more time sitting on my hands, sobbing.  He would want me to get up, take a breath and move forward.  So that is what I'm trying to do.  One day at a time.

Dad, if you can 'hear' this.  I love you!  And I promise to do everything I can to chase my dreams, catch the sunrise, soak in the sunsets, dance in the moonlight, hug my loved ones, help others, share my talents and serve the Lord.   You did all of these things well.  I so miss you.  xx

Heaven on Earth

My dad passed over on December 28th.  It was unexpected...in a way.  We had a month's notice that he was ill.  But none of us anticipated saying goodbye so quickly and abruptly.

Don't know that I've really moved past denial.  I still talk about him sometimes in the present tense.  I look at photos and can still 'feel' him and none of this...any of it...feels real.

Tears fall.  Every day.  I seem to have a never ending supply.  They ran like rivers, then streams.  Then I dried up from what I'm guessing was dehydration.  That cycle continues..  Thought after the services life would get easier...that I would get back to 'norm' and I would be able to function.  I would find my smile.  I would be able to think of him without it feeling like someone was standing on my chest.

No luck.


But the pain and tears....are just testament to his life.  His love.  My love for him.  And I realize now, more than ever, how precious he was.  How much he gave us.  How blessed we were to have him.  God gave us amazing parents.  The older I get and more I learn about life, the more I realize this and am so very thankful.  It spurs me on to try to be that for my kids.  To give to them the way love was poured into me.

I realized that I had to smile...for my kids.  For my husband.  For my extended family.  Friends.  Humanity.  That even in the wake of grief, it is ok to be happy.  Its nothing to be guilty over...to feel happy when I'm sad.  Finn gets SO concerned when I cry.  He has a deep heart.  He feels everything I feel and its hard to hide my pain from him.

He held my hand, touched my thigh, rubbed my back through my dad's entire service.  My seven year old....comforting me like he was 27.  I have to be strong for him.  He is too young to take on that role.

And Miles....who cries every time he sees me cry.  His sweet little heart is not as aware of things happening. He's so jazzed all the time....loves life.  I don't think he notices if I cry behind his back.  He doesn't feel it the way Finn does.  But if he sees it....he cries with me.  As if the ache is even harder for him.  It breaks my heart even more.

I read "Proof of Heaven" and I just started "Heaven."  They're helping.  Both share the vision of how we are still connected.  God reigns over all....heaven, hell and humanity here.  So makes sense that heaven is tied to us...that at any given time, they can access or see us.  This idea gives me comfort.  "Heaven" describes heaven through scriptures.  Its really moving....as the author describes heaven as an earth with no sin.  Could you imagine?  I try....and it makes my hair stand on end.

We bought land in CO a few years ago.  We're hoping to break ground this spring, God willing.  We'll have 35 acres of 'heaven'.  Where we can view the sunrise and sunset.  We can climb to the top of the butte and feel His majesty.  I think more, now, more than anything...I look forward to feeling closer to 'heaven' so I can feel closer to Dad.  God amazes me on how he writes our stories...he knew all along.  He knew I'd need this.

Christmas day my dad told me how he just wanted to get through his chemo treatments so he would be well enough to get on a plane and come see my property in CO.  See the home under construction. He gave us his blessing.

He was always good about that...giving me the encouragement I needed.  He knew I was hesitant to build with his diagnosis.  Now, more than ever, I want to be there.  I want him to 'see' it. To see us. Carrying on his legacy.

The pain is so heavy.  I can't bare the thought of carrying it the rest of my life.  My first love has gone on.  And part of me left with him.