Happy Heart

One of those moments when my heart feels so full, so overwhelmed with emotion that I can barely hold back tears.  Tears of joy, as we celebrate the rising of my Savior this Sunday.  Tears of pain, as I think about His crucifixion....cannot even go there fully as a mother of two boys.  Tears of hope, as tomorrow it will be official....we'll own land in CO.  Dream land.  Dream I never knew was attainable or would ever possibly come true. The Lord works in mysterious ways and every day I see His fingerprints guiding us humbly closer to Him.

Finn prays before we eat.  Every meal.  Whether I'm there or not.  He often reminds me if I'm with him and I forget.  Did I teach him to pray, yes. Do I encourage his faith, yes.  But only Christ, who lives in his heart, can nudge him through the Holy Spirit to pause, hungry tummy and all, to give thanks before partaking in one of the countless blessings we have every day....nourishment.  It humbles me.  His young 5 year old heart, praying.  And today, he paused, with folded hands and head down and prayed (quietly to himself) even after we finished.  Happy heart....that my little guy knows and loves his heavenly father so much already that he wants to talk to him more.

So tonight my heart is happy.  Happy for today. Happy for the hopes of tomorrow.  Happy for the gift we have received and celebrate this Sunday.  I pray for happiness for each of you, too.  Soaking it in as I know life is a gift and there are no guarantees.

I'm editing, while listening to the Freedom CD's I picked up at church.  The songs are so soulful and dripping with passion.  I'm editing newborn photos too....which only (and always) makes me smile in wonder of the beauty of life.  Good Friday is tomorrow.  What would this life be without His?  When nothing else makes sense...I have one constant.  One reassurance.  One promise....from Christ.

I don't feel worthy of my happiness.  Its a heavy, joyful tug on my heart.  Not an arrogant, proud parade.  And I will never, ever, understand the reasons why some suffer and others do not.  Why some face unbearable challenges, others soar.  But all I do know is that God commands us to love.  Love in the good times.  Love in the bad times.  Love.  Love Him, love each other.  Love.  Even when my dear friends lose their first full term baby....love.  When a close friend grieves her mother who passed before she married and had babies...love.  When people I love are fighting ugly disease....love.  Love. Love.  Love.  May I always be a place and person where those who come to know me feel LOVE.

And on that note...I have to share this image from the session I was working on.  If you need a little love tonight....just look at this sweet image.  It is nothing but pure, heavenly, love.

The Over-Zealous List

I've been struggling with the fact that I don't properly take a day for Sabbath.  I rarely, r a r e l y, slow down long enough to even watch a full tv program, let alone take a full day to unwind.  Shane and I compliment each other on many things in being the ying and yang for each other.  This particular challenge, we both fail.  We are both workers.  Another item on my goal list this year...learn how to relax.

Given I took the entire day on Saturday with a girlfriend to go shopping (we started at 8:30am headed for IKEA and I was home at 9:40pm) - I felt the need for a 'to do' list today.  (*and just to clarify....I think this is the first time since I was pregnant with Finn that I got to go shopping all day with a girlfriend...so I was borderline feeling guilty)

So we did have a leisurely breakfast.  Shane made a fire, the boys were entertained with the reuniting with daddy (who was gone all week), so there I went....to my over-zealous list....on the hunt for what to do....what to do!!

I started with bathrooms, then vacuuming and general straightening.  I showered.  Served lunch.  Cleaned up.  Shane washed cars, collected trash, helped vacuum some rooms, unpacked his bag.  He also had to run to his shop in preparation for work tomorrow and I was torn between going to a birthday party with the boys (dear, dear friends of ours whom I really wanted to support) or go to a funeral for my dad's cousin (my dad lost his sister-in-law, my aunt, last month...so double whammy as all he has left for family are cousins).  Celebrate life....or death.

Today I chose death.  And there I went, sobbing again, contemplating the circle of life as I hugged the 42 year old son of the deceased thinking....when will this be me?!?!

I came home, somber.  Yet with great perspective once again.  A story and lesson God seems to be putting in my days repeatedly.  Too bad I'm such a slow learner.  I really, really need to work on this as He clearly wants me to obey one of THE TEN COMMANDMENTS....to take Sabbath.

My list today included....making a little project for the studio, getting the glue gun out to 'stabilize' the train table for the boys, birthday party, funeral, clean house (this is a days job in itself!), photos of the boys in studio for Easter.  What was I thinking?

Sad part is, even on work days, my list is so long, so over-zealous, so unrealistic that I never, never, never feel good at the days end....I always have something to carry over.  Leaving me with anxiety over the fact that I'm 'behind'.  Its a sick, sad habit.  How many of us are guilty?

Silver lining.  My sweet, precious, Finn was signing the birthday card for our friend's daughter today.  I asked him to write his name under ours.  He says - "I want to write something else." Here's me....no, no (in a hurry, trying to conquer my list!), just sign your name.  He starts writing "L  E  F" then writes his name.  He looks at me and says - there, mom!  I wrote "Love, Finn"!

You see...if he would've listened to me, I could've missed that.  His first attempt to write a word, sound it out and spell it on his own.  First time ever!  If I would JUST LEARN to calm down, even for one day a week...how many more of those moments would I have?  What will I remember in 20 years?  Mopping the floor or Finn's "lef"?

S.A.D. and the Circle of Life

I suffer from S.A.D.  Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Symptoms that I get....depression, anxiety, loss of energy, social withdrawal, difficulty focusing, overeating (craving carbs), and loss of interest in activities I usually enjoy (hiking, biking...even snowboarding).  *These symptoms are courtesy of Mayo Clinic.

To me, winter in Ohio means hibernation.  Living in a cave.  No fresh air.  No sunshine.  No outside playing.  And often (from the swarming flu viruses and various illnesses) no play dates.  I'm also a touch of a germaphobe - so winter and I truly, do not get along. The heavy, grey clouds seem endless.  The forecast is a joke.  Most days I don't even look.

Today:

Dead bushes, white/grey sky, bitter cold.  And its the first day of spring.

I lived in Phoenix one year followed by Colorado for 3.  Moving back to Ohio after having 300+ days of sunshine a year has been challenging to say the least.  I miss those 70 degree shorts days in CO in January. I want to be happy.  I want to not care.  I want to continue doing everything I normally would. I wish I could. I try.  

Even more depressing - my SAD light that is supposed to 'trick' my mind into thinking I've been exposed to sunlight smells like a xerox machine.  Old school style.  So I have been avoiding it. 

I know, Debbie Downer.  I guess my point in this blog is to encourage those of you out there that feel the way I do....that you're not alone.  I think Ohio suffers one of the gloomiest winters in the USA.  So fellow neighbors, friends and family - its normal to feel this way.  Hopefully we'll catch a break VERY soon.

Till then, I'll be dreaming of the day I wake up and look out at this view.  Which will, indeed, someday be my view as we're closing on this particular piece of property next week.  Good Friday to be exact.  The first time we looked at this property (summer 2012) I saw a rainbow.  Our offer didn't go through (couldn't agree on a price with the seller). This time - lower price, better deal AND we've now hiked that beautiful butte you see in our future backyard twice.  We had breakfast at the top.  All I could feel was God screaming - THIS IS HOME!!!  I could see our boys climbing on the rock outcrops along the trail.  Feeding the cattle as they roam the land.  Watching the sunset over the Denver mountains.  Using our backyard for client photos.  I cannot wait.  I know God has a whole other story for us here.  My seatbelt is fastened.  I'm ready for the ride.

In case you're wondering - we are not moving anytime soon.  We have land to pay for, businesses to take care of, and a home to (eventually) build.  My guess is we'll be in OH another 2-5 years.  During this time I plan to make the best of it.  Ugly winters & all.

Part 2:  Circle of Life

My dad's cousin passed this morning.  His sister in law passed a month ago...who was widowed 25 years ago by his brother.  Needless to say, my dad has very few blood relatives left.  I lost my grandfather at a young age and my grandma in high school.  We had lunch with Papa today.  It was great to see him.  Even better to see how my boys light up his eyes.  And once again I'm reminded to focus on the 'balance'.  

My mom texts me every morning.  Or calls.  We actually talk quite a few times every day.  I keep close tabs on her as she lives alone.  But yesterday she didn't call.  Didn't text.  Didn't answer my calls.  I started at 10:10 (thinking she may have slept in, jumped in the shower, etc).  By noon I was in a full blown panic attack streaming tears and all.  I was driving to her house (after getting Finn from school), my brother already there.  Both of us shaking, trembling and wondering/worrying about what the rest of our day might be.  She was fine.  Praise the Lord!  She woke up late, had a late breakfast date with her girlfriend and in the rush of leaving, forgot her phone.  She stayed out with her till noon - when my brother met her at her house - us both relieved to find out she was perfectly fine.  

Once again - reminded of the circle of life.  Take time for the ones you love.  

My mom always says a prayer - Please let my wits be about me, my feet be beneath me, till the Good Lord calls me.  I pray she gets her request.  I pray you & I do too.  But it is never easy on those left behind.  So this week's lesson - use my time wisely.  Choose my words carefully.  Love to the fullest.

So here is to SAD and the circle of life.  Hah - the sun just peeked through a cloud! : )

Spinning

My wheels keep spinning.  Rarely can I shut them off.  I lay in bed at night, after editing to the wee hours of the morning thinking about things.   Dreams, chores, cherished moments in the day, to-do lists and more.  Apparently my brain feels the need for one more creative outlet.  A place where I can come and be real.  Be transparent.  Be nothing more than me.

I stopped keeping up with this blog when my business started taking off in 2010.  I feel so incredibly blessed to have it bloom to where we are now.  I love it.  I only wish I had time to be friends with every family I work with because after spending some time together, I love each one.  But life has shown me that I have to take care of my own family, my own health, balance my own time before I can give to others.  Otherwise, we're just spinning out of control.

So here's to a new beginning.  This page is back in business.  A place where I can write.  A place where I can share.  Hopefully a nudge to take more candid shots of my family.  I feel like I've been so immersed with work that I've missed precious moments I need to capture.  And I need a place (besides facebook where I feel like everyone is drowning in updates on my children and life....as if they need to know EVERYTHING we're doing : ) to let my writing flow.  My photos will not be perfect.  Often, they will come from my phone.  I'll spell things wrong and say awkward things.  Because that is the truth about me.

This blog will be purely my raw thoughts.  I don't plan on editing.  Mostly will be writing late at night.  And the sole purpose of it is for me to celebrate my family.  I won't be writing to please or impress anyone.  Just walking the daily life of juggling motherhood, office manager, business owner, rental coordinator and chef/maid.  A place that is mine.  If I bore you, I apologize in advance.  If I offend you, I truly don't mean to.  If I embarrass myself, it won't be the first time.

Fair warning - read at your own risk.  This is completely self-serving. One small piece of my day that is for just me.  : )


Today:

I am bound and determined to get on a better schedule this year.  I have spent the last several years of my life in front of this computer till the wee hours of the morning.  My only refuge is napping every 2-3 days when the boys go down.  To catch up.  To be able to breathe again.

The only problem with this 'schedule' of broken sleep is that Finn is now 5.  He may nap once a week, but truly, he's grown out of them...and I need to accept that (sigh).  He is an ANGEL because on days when I am completely cashed he will actually sit in bed and play the ipad while I rest for an hour.  Then I feel like the worst mother ever.  I don't deserve him.

Now Miles (at his ripe age of 2.5) feels like its time for him to give up naps too.  But he, clearly, still needs them.  But every time I put him in the crib during the day, he wales.  Wales like he's hurting.  And won't stop.  My otherwise happy child waling in his crib is not my idea of a good time.  Especially when he keeps carrying on.  So I've now resulted in having them nap with me.  Ah yes - mother of year.

So I am determined to get an a better schedule this year.  Priority #1.  I've read at least 5 articles in the last 3 weeks about how happy people wake up at the same time every day - and its early.  I have no idea why you'd be happy that early in the morning.  : )  But I want to understand.  I want to try.

In the Polen news today - this character lost his first tooth.  Its been 'wobbly', as he says, for a month?  The dentist noticed it on February 18th.  Yes - a month.  He was really bothered by the fact that a tooth was falling out.  My little old man couldn't wrap his head around why that could be a good thing.  But I kept reassuring him it was normal and he'd get another tooth.  He was very frustrated that his tooth didn't have enough 'power' to chew.  : )

While I"m taking Miles out of the tub tonight, Finn is brushing his teeth.  Every night he asked me to do it and says - mom, please be careful of my wobbly tooth!  And I am.  But tonight he started without me.  Apparently he had enough.  He brushed that wobbly tooth right out of his mouth and down the drain!  Wasn't till it was long gone that I realized what happened. 

So we wrote this letter to the tooth fairy in hopes she'd understand.

And that's it for today.  : )